Updated: Nov 9
Disclaimer: My audience is black women and I love us for real, but today's topic is necessary. Everything I'm about to say is from love.
"My man my man my man, bitch your man left you for dead hoe." - Caresha
This TikTok user named Alexia shook the table this week when she said women hold their female friends to a higher standard than the men in their lives. Unfortunately myself and a lot of women in the comments were in agreement. The unsaid and unrealistic standards put on the female friend(s) in comparison to the zero standards that are set for the man in that woman's life is nuts.
Here's some classic examples of the friend vs. a dust bunny.
Her birthday. The man failed to make any plans and didn't buy her a gift. She understands that he's not romantic and as long as they spend time together or he bring home an unthoughtful gift she's content. Yet the friend who couldn't attend the birthday dinner for a valid reason is a fake ass bitch and she's getting cut off.
Money. She's short on funds but she can't ask her man because he said no, he never has it to give, or better yet he's already living with her rent free and allegedly looking for a job. Mind you the friend has always given her money and the one time that friend saids no she's labeled a bad friend who doesn't fuck with you like she said she does. Meanwhile the woman continues to lay up with a dusty who doesn't contribute financially.
Emotions. The woman can't vent to her man so she turns to her friend for emotional support. The friend is always there but the one time the friend is honest with she's a hater and the upset friend goes on to give the other friend a list of reasons as to why she's single and can't find a man. How does a phone call or lunch meet up for one person's emotional needs caused by their man turn into a verbal attack on the friend who's always there for them no matter what. The amount of women who will use "that's why you don't have a man" line against the woman with standards is wild.
Forgiveness. The woman gets cheated on and decides to forgive him and move on. The friend does something that hurts her and she's immediately cut off and not interested in reconciliation. Both parties hurt the woman but only person is given grace.
Cheating. The friend informs the woman that her man is cheating. Instead of getting mad at her man she gets upsets with the friend and now the friend is a hater and accused of ruining her happiness. The delusional is real.
The list of examples could go and go but the common denominator is the woman and her lack of standards when it comes to her man.
From the notorious single friend standpoint you'll always be able to see the bullshit that that dusty is on while your friend is blinded by love. You can either stick beside her until she leaves, take a timeout from the friendship, or speak your opinion and be okay with losing her as a friend. You have options but choose wisely, and keep in mind that you'll never be able to compete with her relationship, it's a losing battle every time.
The topic got hotter when Tiktok user Kylie Aesthetic stitched the video and mentioned how these same women who idolize men will expect her family and female friends to do more for her and her kid than the deadbeat baby daddy. This video hit different because I've had similar thoughts for a while now. There's no nice way to tell your homegirl that they prioritize men over everything else and god forbid you talk about their baby daddy whew child you better be prepared to lose a friend or family member.
It never fails that the same group of women who told them that he was a dusty bunny or reminded her of his track record with women were told that that's not how he is and "they're different." Until that man puts her in a better place in life, she's not different. Until he marries her and sees the value in being a present and active husband, she's not different. A man who lacks character and doesn't see the value in her will eventually treat her like she's one of them, meaning she's not different or above experiencing his bullshit, and if he doesn't value the woman what makes them think that he'll value a child that is apart of her.
Despite how the game has gone for decades this woman will have his baby after he left or accept him being in and out of her and their kid's lives, but she'll expect her friend to support her financially, be a built in baby sitter, etc. I use to feel bad for women and some of my friends who had a baby with a dusty but it's not fair to guilt or expect the single friend to carry the burden of a child that they didn't birth. Last year I got fed up with a friend who kept needing financial assistance and come to find out she's giving this guy money and food whenever he needs it, but they're not in a relationship and he doesn't help do anything for her or her son. A classic example of one standard for a friend while expecting and deciding to accept nothing from a man.
Falling out with a friend who can't babysit or send some money, but still fucking the baby daddy who doesn't contribute financially will forever be wild to me, and to the people who think I'm lying please get on Facebook to witness the shenanigans or watch Paternity Court. Every day somebody's daughter is going out sad behind an inconsistent or inactive baby daddy. Speaking of parenthood let's not forget about the single mothers who get a man and fall off as a mother. I get that romantic love is an unmatched feeling, but sending your kids away so you can live in delusional land with your pretend king is wrong. It's even worse when the mother is okay with subjecting her child to any type of abused initiated by that man so she can keep him around. That emotional scene from "A Madea's Family Reunion" is real life some kids story.
In the words of one of my IG followers, "we're smarter than this and we have already watched everybody else be dumb." A lot of single mothers and even married single mothers continue to tell women that having a baby by him will show you how he really feels and I'm advising y'all to set some standards and abide by them before you procreate with a dusty and get your feelings hurt when he does what they always do which is leave you to figure it out by yourself.
Lastly, I feel like girl code is for women who are your friends, family, or associates. This unsaid code doesn't apply to women who don't know you or only know of you. Expecting another women to value your relationship when your partner doesn't value it makes no sense. Expecting this women to care about how you feel when the man you're laying down with doesn't care about how you feel is nuts. Messaging or confronting another women about your man is the top tier level of prioritizing a man while playing yourself at the same time. He doesn't care, the other women especially if she already knew about you doesn't care, and it's time to ask yourself why are you still with him or begging another woman to leave him alone. Please love and value yourself more than you ever love and prioritize a man. I love this quote that states "Had I would've loved myself better, I wouldn't have ended up in half the situations I ended up in."
To wrap it up if your wondering if you prioritize men here's some things to consider
Ask yourself when's the last time you talk to your homegirls and the conversation wasn't centered around your love life or talking about men. Make an effort to be a better friend and I promise you all your homegirls ain't hating or jealous, most of them miss who you were before you got a man.
If you agreed with Lightskin Keisha when she said if my man calls while I'm out with my girls I'm leaving then there's your answer.
Evaluate how you spend your free time outside of your relationship. If you don't have a life outside of chasing men (why are you chasing a man sis, stop it) or being up his ass then it's time to develop a hobby, get a side hustle, see your homegirls, etc. Go do something with yourself that doesn't involve him.
To the friends who are tired of unfair expectations I encourage to set boundaries even if it means losing a friend. I have 4 godsons and 2 great nephews and their parents know that I'm not a bank nor a babysitter. I buy gifts because I want to and my crew definitely knows after last year to not make it a habit of asking me to help out financially. I don't buy into the narrative that "it takes a village to raise a child" simply because the village didn't have sex with you nor had a say so in your decision to have a baby.
For the record not prioritizing men doesn't equate to misandry which is the dislike of men and a lot of content creators who encourage women to have standards catch a lot of hate online or get labeled man bashers which is far from the truth. Personally I love the "my man my man" trend on Tiktok but all of those videos showcase women being spoiled and loved correctly which is different from the type of women I discussed today.
Furthermore, it would be easier to support women who prioritize men if romantic relationships actually got them somewhere. The amount of women who's quality of life went down hill because of a man is sad, and when I say a quality of life I'm not only talking about money. If dealing with him affects you're mental, you're losing. If dealing with him affects you're spirituality you're losing. If dealing with him means your kids have to suffer, you're losing. If dealing with him means your goals and money is dwindling, you're losing. A public example of losing yourself is Neyo's soon to be ex-wife. Eight years together and a wedding renewal ceremony last year, yet he was cheating for majority of their marriage and from the things she's shared online an STD and even a baby was apart of their demise. No amount of money or love was worth it when some STDs are for life and a baby is a constant reminder that he didn't value your marriage nor your health.
By 25 I had learned a lot about dating, men, and how the game goes which is partially why I'm going to be 28 this year and I'm still single with no kids. During college and my early 20's I was a hopeless romantic and being with somebody's son use to consume me in an unhealthy way. However, after getting my feelings hurt a couple of times I learned to stop putting my all into a nigga. One thing about it is men tend to be okay after a breakup because they didn't give up everything and change their lifestyle to suit women. They don't give up their friends or family. They don't move away or let somebody daughter move in with them without pushing the 50/50 agenda. They don't change careers or give up their dreams. Men are always thinking of themselves and I encourage more women to do the same.
To conclude I still love love but I'll never love or prioritize a man over myself and I understand that I can't relate to my homegirls who prioritize love and a man over everything. This week I've dealt with some unsettling feelings regarding my own friends after I watched and broke down that video from my own perspective. I felt sad and still feel some type of way knowing that as much as I love my friends, some of them will switch up and put zero effort into our friendship once they get a man or get married. They're past behaviors in previous relationships foreshadows how they're going to act once they get the man they always wanted, and although that hurts my feelings I want them to be happy, and fulfill their desires to get married and become a mother.
This post will resonate with all women, but for different reasons and the girls that get it get it and the girls that don't I'm praying for you sis.
"Love yourself girl or nobody will."
- J. Cole
P.S I've seen the viral Shera video and I'm not surprised. I don't agree with how she got with her husband, but she's still entertaining. She's always said she's a financial advisor and doesn't advocate for what's morally right or wrong. A lot of women who date or marry a man with a certain income put their lifestyle needs over their morals. Follow advice that works for you and your desired lifestyle.
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