More Issues Than Vogue
I’m lonely.
Some of the people I love live too far away for me to see them on a regular basis.
I mentally need to let some people go for good.
I’m independent but I miss having a man.
All these statements have been weighing on me the past few weeks.
Loneliness. Well I’ve been in Greensboro since 2013 but lately I miss having my family close by. I’m a family-oriented person and now that I’m not in college anymore I don’t travel back home nowhere near as much as I use too. The last time I went home was mid August and it’s going to be Thanksgiving before I have time off from working and grinding to see my love ones again. Then ,I’ve been battling a severe stomach issue for most of this year and I often believe it would be easier handle this and other life challenges if my support team was in the area instead of having to settle for phone calls or facetime. For me physically interaction is everything. However, I choose this lifestyle and moving back home will never be an option because there’s no opportunities for personal or financial growth. And don’t get me wrong I have a few friends in the 336 but there’s nothing like family.
“No matter how hard I try I can’t walk away” - Olivia
One of my worst flaws is letting go. It’s hard for me to let go of friends, significant others, etc. Parting ways with somebody who once upon a time meant a lot to me is hurtful. Many people think I don’t care because I have the will power to cut them off, but trust and believe I cried and mentally struggle with letting you go long before I finally break out the scissors to cut all ties with you. The old saying parents would say after they whooped your ass "That hurt me do then it hurt you" is exactly how I feel when I let someone go. (Sidenote: I cry more way than people think I do. Lately I’ve been a real crybaby lol.)
I’m the type of person who thinks whenever somebody comes into my life they’re going to be there until the end, but God keeps showing me some people won’t be here eternally. The saying some people come into your life for a reason, season, or lifetime is too true. Personally, I’m struggling with understanding how long some people are meant to stay in my life. The people I'm speaking on aren’t mean spirited or terrible individuals, but the person I’m growing to be compared to the person they currently doesn't mesh well. I’ve tried to have conversations to salvage the relationship, but they don’t feel the need to change so what else am I supposed to do? The best solution I’ve come up with is neither party is wrong or needs to change. However, at times it’s necessary to reduce or completely cut all ties with that person if nothing is going to be different moving forward. In my opinion if I tell you how I feel about something & your actions or words remain the same, then I take it as you don’t care or respect my feelings. So instead of constantly voicing my issues to that person to only be disappointed, it’s best to stop talking about it and just be done. When you know you’ve done all you can do its time to let it go...
I’ve physically cut ties with these people but mentally it still bothers me. I wonder was I bad person for cutting them off? Will I regret this decision one day? Will I end with nobody in my life? I carry and battle with self-guilt on a weekly basis but I’m learning to trust my intuition and rely on discernment. And to answer those crazy questions, I’ve never regretted cutting anybody off and despite the loneliness I feel at times when I let go of relationships there's room for a new ones to begin with other people.
Finally, I miss having a boo. Yep I said it, I miss having somebody. I’m independent and I know I don’t need a man, but everybody needs somebody. Sometimes I don’t want to make plans with my friend, I want to be boo’d up. Sometimes I don’t want to call my mom and tell her about my day, I would rather call up my boyfriend if I had one. It’s hard at times to see people boo’d up on social media or listening to my friends be giddy over their boyfriend. Unfortunately, I’ve experienced the ugly green monster of jealousy because I want somebody, I want to have butterflies again, I want to tell somebody how good my man is treating me.
However, I know good things come to those who wait, and being jealous won't sped up the process. I pray my time is coming soon.
Last week my momma told me God takes some people through a season of loneliness and my reply was "I don’t understand the purpose of why he's isolating me from people." Maybe this is God’s way of saying focus and become more reliant on him. Maybe this is God's way of preparing me for this new idea I have in mind for 2019. Whatever the reason is I know it’s for my good, but I still have my moments where my hearts and mind need more time to accept some situations for what they currently are.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"