Disclaimer: I like both ladies who's name will be mentioned today and if you support dusty men this post is not for you.
"High standards keeps you from low quality experiences."
I've done my best to not share my thoughts on viral topics this year regarding relationships because I'm over it, but this recent viral video was too intense to not blog about it.
I love Iyanla and everything she’s done to help the black community to heal and become better, but she tried the fuck out of Eboni when she asked her would she date a bus driver (if you haven't seen the video look for it on Youtube). Why would a millionaire, a successful lawyer, and well-known broadcast personnel date somebody who’s salary for the year is what she probably makes in a month. Make it make it sense. Although Iyanla listed other good qualities regarding the bus driver I don’t think she or any woman who wants or desires a certain lifestyle would date a bus driver.
This question brought up so many micro-topics on social media such as love over money, building with a man, black women need to be humble, and every woman wouldn't find a provider. Let's get into these topics and the deeper reasoning behind why Eboni and most black women are saying no to struggle love.
Struggle love can be defined as a relationship where one partner endures hardships due to the other partner's behaviors and decisions. Pertaining to this video and commentary online lack of finances on the male's behalf would be a form of struggle love. This type of love has always been common in the black community until the rise of social media, the city girls movement, and black women started leveling up in life so their interest in struggle love decreased.
Finances is a major issue in relationships and some women such as Eboni (myself as well) would rather be alone and keep getting shit done themselves before they lower their quality of life or invest in a man that can't financially afford them. Outside of finances everybody wants to bring up love so let's address that first. Ideal being with somebody you love who's financially stable is the goal, however it's not wise to pick love over money.
People should stop replacing the lack of money with the replacement of love because love doesn’t pay rent, love doesn’t buy your baby diapers. Love is a feeling that can change at any time but your bills and responsibilities will still be there.
Here’s some facts for the people who love to say money doesn’t matter
Inflation is real, therefore love isn’t going to pay the bills. Until love can be submitted as a form of payment it's in your best interest to consider finances before you move in, procreate, and do anything with a partner that requires money.
Finances is one of the top 3 causes of divorce. Why should anybody legally tie themselves to somebody who can’t obtain/maintain money or they’re having financial issues.
Being broke makes you mean. People forget this, but men are mean when they don't have money or if they can't afford to buy you what you want. I know what's like to be broke and I wasn't pleasant to be around during that time. Lack of money takes it's toll on your emotional and mental well-being.
Money equates to freedom and access to certain things. If you want certain things in this lifetime there’s a price attached to it whether it’s a car, trip, bag, etc. With knowing that it makes no sense to dismiss the importance of money.
Next micro-topic and even Iyanla said this was what's wrong with building with a man...
When the money start to reside a lot of them will go and pick the woman who had standards & didn’t help them build nothing. If your not married being with him during the building stage can leave you with the short end of the stick. Even in marriage sticking beside him while "he's building" is a liability.
Imagine you upgrade him and he leaves you for his side piece or you have to pay him alimony because you built him up. Halle Berry, Wendy Williams, and Mary J. Blige are good examples as to why you need to date on your level or date higher.
Building in your 20’s is different than building in your 30’s or 40’s. In my last relationship I was 23 and my ex was 28 when we met. He had a solid plan for us to build and become a great couple. Building with him in my early 20’s was cool because at the time he made more money than me and he was established with his own everything. Also he had yet to reach his fullest potential, and he had a promising career and he was already on the right career path. By 35 I don’t doubt that he’s going to make a certain income. Although, you can restart your life whenever you want most people don’t want to start from the bottom in their 30’s and 40’s. Building with somebody who already has a solid foundation (my ex) is likely to have a better outcome than building with somebody who doesn’t have anything to their name.
There's no benefits. If you've already leveled up in life what do you get out of building up somebody's son. Furthermore, building up yourself was enough work so why would any established woman willing build up somebody else when nobody son helped build her up. I rarely hear conversations about building up a woman or men talking about her potential if he makes her his wife. The movie Acrimony is a prime example of why black women shouldn’t build up somebody’s dusty son.
Moving along, I'm over everybody trying to humble black women when we're the shit. We're opening business, doing the damn thing as single mothers, we're healing, and saying no to the bullshit. The reality is more black women are leveling up and the pick mes, dusty men, and society wants to keep us down. We're call us gold diggers when other races have been taught to date this way for decades. Also it’s a disgrace and a disservice to yourself to know that your grandma, aunties, and mom went through the bullshit and you saw how it turned out for them then you turn around and do the same shit, or better yet they tell you what they went through certain shit so you don’t have to go through certain shit.
Contrary to social media and trendy podcast clips most black women who have dating standards (such as Eboni) are already living that life and accustomed to certain things, therefore asking for their equal or dating higher isn’t out of line. In real life there's more women who have their own everything vs. the women who are bums, and most son’s are leeching off of somebody’s daughter. Also a lot of women who have standards now have dated a dusty at some point in their lifetime and told themselves they weren't doing that shit again.
To wrap it up, let's address the lack of providers commentary
Stop listening to people. A lot of people talk down on things that they want for themselves but don’t have access to it or they don’t believe it can happen for them so they believe it can't happen for you either. Stay away from those people. A scarcity mindset is lethal, unsubscribe from it.
Stats say this, stats say that. I don’t care what the stats say or what social media or somebody dusty ass son tells you you can have what you want if you believe it. Everybody else can be delusional about their life, but they get mad if black women are delusional about who their future partner will be.
Ask and you shall receive. The god I serve wants better for me and if you believe that he wants the bare minimum for you then that’s you. You get what you ask for and a lot of times you get what you settle for.
At the of the day Eboni is entitled to her standards and any woman who's leveled up in life or did the work to become a better version of herself is entitled to say no to struggle love.
"No one decides the standard of how and who I date but me. Sprinkle Sprinkle."
- Nicky Davis
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