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“She collected and polished resentments as if it were some kind of hobby.” -Anne Tyler

Resentment: a persistent ill will feeling in regards to something that wrong, hurt, or insulted you. Resentment goes deeper than being mad, it’s an invisible emotional feeling that involves bitterness, irritation, anger, disappointment, and pain. Have you ever resented somebody? A while back my answer to this question would’ve been no, but I’ve come to realize within my 23 years of living I’ve resented numerous people. Let me tell you why.

Well two of the people I use to resent happened to be former boyfriends. One of them whom I’ve previously spoke about was controlling, constantly cheating, and just a fucked-up individual (good thing we finally parted ways). I resented him for treating me terribly, then apologizing to only do some more bullshit to make me cry and question who I am. The other person was the ex-love of my life who’s showed me the purest and realist form of love. We loved each other so much & still have love for each other but things didn’t work out. Between the heartbreak and the desire to feel this type of love again I resented him. Honestly, at times I still resent him if I think of him or have a negative dating experience. I know whatever happened in my life after him isn’t his fault but in my eyes if we were still together the dating part of my life would be a 360.

Outside of love I’ve resented some past and current friends as well as family. One incident of resentment involved an old friend. I was going through a rough time in my life earlier this year, but I decided to post something positive on IG. This person had the nerve to call me and say “I’m glad you’re not sad anymore. All that other stuff you’ve been posting was real depressing.” That statement cut me deep because at that time I was depressed and dealing with anxiety and this person KNEW my mental state. For her to say this and not ask how I was doing was insensitive to my feelings and mental health which ignited anger and pain. I could’ve told this person how I felt, but from past experiences this person tends to say “You’re being sensitive” or “You take everything too serious.” That was the last straw for me and after that statement I started to distance myself from her instead of hoping she’d change and consider my feelings.

I shared these stories to say my resentment for most people steamed from the fact that I wanted them to change. I would express my feelings and give people an ample amount of time to change but in most instances, it never happened. Over time as disappointment set in somewhere along the way resentment took over. Why couldn’t they change or at least try? Am I asking for too much? Am I a bad person for needing more from them? How do I stop resenting somebody for being their true self?

I don’t have all the answers, but I’ve come to some realizations.

1. People change when they want to, NOT when you want them too.

2. Some people are giving you their best effort and they simply don’t have anything else to give to you.

3. NOPE, I’M NOT ASKING FOR TOO MUCH, I’M ASKING THE WRONG PERSON. In my heart I know there is somebody out there who’s going to be everything and more to me when it comes to being a boyfriend/soon to be husband lol. Then I’ve already seen over the last month how God has blessed me with better friends and people who understand me and match my vibe.

4. Sometimes neither party needs to change or feel bad about who they are. Sometimes the relationship with that person has ran its course and it’s okay to say, “I love/care for you but this relationship is no longer meeting my needs.” It’s going to be a difficult conversation to have but it’s better than being unhappy and holding in resentment when it’s time to let it go.

The last question is a miracle question that I don’t have the answer for. I currently resent a few people, but I have no clue how to undo this hurtful feeling. I know resenting somebody isn’t good for the soul but fuck it I resent some people and that is what it is for now. I also know you’re supposed to forgive and let things go for your sake, but I haven’t reached that level in life yet. I’m petty and I take months sometimes years to let shit go. However, I’m now acknowledging these negative feeling and I’m going to pray to God for healing and help with letting go out of the hurt and bitterness I hold in my heart for some people.

Guilt is anger directed at ourselves – at what we did or did not do. Resentment is anger directed at others – at what they did or did not do. – Peter McWilliams

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