Disclaimer: This is my last post for a while that's going to serious and sad. I'm ready to get back to writing light hearted content but I feel like sharing my healing journey and where I've been at mentally can help somebody. Life isn't always happy times and I'll never pretend that it is.
"Until I'm ready, let me be. I have to heal myself" - Samantha King
I was lying in my closet after having an awful anxiety attack (so many things led up to this moment) and I started texting my momma telling her that I would rather die than to keep feeling how I was feeling at that time. My momma called me numerous time and I didn't answer but I eventually called her back. She was crying and reminded me of all the people who would miss me if I was gone. I was numb at that point but I managed to get out of the closet, crawled into bed, and I assured my momma that I wasn't going to do anything crazy.She called me the next day and said "I don't know how you're going to take this but God is telling me to tell you that you need to seek professional help."
This conversation along with several other conversations since then regarding my "I don't want to be here" mentality has been the best and worth part of our relationship. I love my momma and her love for me is unmatched. I'm so grateful that she listened to God and had the strength to have that hard conversation with me. I talk to my physician about my feelings which led to her prescribing me Xanax for the time being and I was referred to a counseling agency. On Dec. 27, 2017 I started therapy and it's been a journey.
From being prescribed Xanax to taking an anxiety med twice a day. Xanax made me feel numb to point that I was like a zombie when came to having any feelings. I wouldn't recommend anybody taking this drug, and it's easy to overdose if you take Xanax and consume alcohol. There's a reason why psychiatrist prescribes meds for mental issues and doctors handle physical issues.
From crying in the shower or in the closet to crying in my bed and being able to get up and keep going on with my life. From being nonchalant and dismissing my feelings to talking about how I feel and making peace with things that I can not change. From wanting to control everything to learning how to let some things be.
From going to therapy 2-3x a month to over time it's decreased to once a month or every other month depending on how I'm feeling. I recently started seeing a new therapist and I plan to see her more frequently since I have some internal goals I want to met this year.
From having an anxiety attack every other day to only having them 2-3 times a year.
From having no boundaries to setting them and standing firm on them.
From being in denial to addressing and starting to heal from childhood trauma.
From having a white therapist whom I loved by the way to having a new black therapist. I can already tell from my first session with her last week that she's going to challenge me which is what I need to become that girl that I've been dreaming of.
Sometimes I downplay all the progress I've made, but I've came so far and I'm looking forward to making more progress this year.
Two of my main goals with my new therapist is to
Learn how to love myself more and forgive myself for past mistakes and choices.
Figure out if I want to get married and have kids (I know I just told y'all that I'm not getting my hopes up when it comes to getting married and having kids. However, I'm very indecisive about this part of my life and I need to spend some time figuring it out).
If you're in therapy keep going and if you're contemplating seeing a therapist, schedule the appt. already, it's time to become the best version of yourself. Therapy use to have a bad stigma, but my generation is changing that narrative. Investing in your mental wellbeing is one of the best things you can do for yourself during your 20's or at any time during your life.
Take a moment to consider, how can you grow and evolve if you keep letting your mental health fall by the waste side? You spend money on everything else, from buying new shoes, purchasing Beyonce tickets, etc. but you don't have the time or the funds to become a better person? Make it make sense. You can also check out Therapy for Black Girls where you can find a black provider who does in person and virtual sessions. This website is how I found my black therapist, https://providers.therapyforblackgirls.com.
It's been a lot of tears. It's been challenging. It's been living in survival mode. It's been moments of backsliding mentally, but I'm beyond grateful for how my mentality has transformed in 5 years and it's only up from here.
"Heal and move on. You have things to do, you can not sit in that dark place forever."
Before you go…
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