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Bittersweet Birthday Blues

Disclaimer: I'm consistently inconsistent and I'm moody, but I'm always honest.

"It's okay, it's your day, it's your way." - Nicki Minaj

Twin....where have you been?

Long story short, I planned on being consistent this summer, but I've been in a mood and I couldn't understand why because nothing is wrong. Literally a few weeks ago I was posting about life being great.

Then it hit me... I'm experiencing my annual birthday blues and per usually I went MIA and I needed my time. Time to think and re-evaluate, time for solitude with limited distractions, and most importantly time to cry.


Some people get excited and do the most while some people are simply grateful to see another year. Then there's me, somebody who views their birthday as a time to reflect and reevaluate who I am while constantly asking myself WTF am I doing with my life. Granted, I'm always grateful to see another year, but the reality of getting older is scary and I'm still grieving the life that I had planned.


That moment in Love & Basketball where Monica said, "It's a trip you know, when you're a kid you see the life you want and it never crosses your mind that it's not gonna to turn out that way." That scene perfectly describes my thoughts in a nutshell. I thought I'd be married with a kid not constantly debating if I'm meant to be a mother and wife. I thought I'd have my masters degree meanwhile I'm congratulating everybody else on finishing their degree. I thought I'd be living in Charlotte, but I live in Houston and I love it here. I thought I'd be a therapist, but I'm focused on obtaining a commercial property and building this brand to be something bigger than a blog. There's so many things I thought would be different, but I was wrong and not prepared for the plot twists.

Bittersweet....

I can't change the past and whether I like it not I'm going to be 29 soon and the roaring 20's is finally coming to end which is bitter sweet. It's sweet because the 20's are ghetto and everybody swear your 30's are your 20's with money, but it's bitter because it's a reminder that I'm not where I want to be at in life. I'm grateful for the progress I've made but I know I'm meant for so much more and I'm annoyed with myself for failing to stay disciplined and consistent.


I recently listened to a sermon (video at the end) by Pastor Mike McClure that actually explained why I'm always irritated. Here's a quick breakdown: I have good intentions and ideas, but I've taken some L's and made certain decisions that feel like a set back. Then my anxiety levels rises because I've wasted time and I contemplate if there's enough time for me to fix my fuck ups and still be great. Ugh this cycle has been the epitome of my 20's and I'm really sick of it. Fast forward to the end of the sermon where his reassures the audience that we have time, but we have to apply pressure for the remainder of this year. God knew I needed to hear this and he wants better for me because he wouldn't have given me these ideas without having a plan and purpose for it, but I have to do my part and want it just as bad. At the end of the day faith without works is dead.


Currently...

When I originally wrote this the birthday blues was bad and I was experiencing a depressive episode, but a trip to North Carolina and some recent conversations with my best friends have shifted my perspective.


Although I haven't reached certain goals, I'm so thankful for where I'm at mentally (cries happy tears lol) and I can't wait to share more about my recent spiritual awakening that's helped me transition from the birthday blues to enjoying the beauty of now.


- Meg The Stallion


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