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Annual Birthday Blues

Disclaimer: I'm frustrated with myself. Also this post is over all the place but that's where I'm at mentally right now.

"No such thing as a life that's better than yours" - J. Cole

In 68 days I'll be twenty-great (28) and as of two weeks ago I started experiencing my annual birthday blue which can be defined as two to three months prior to my birthday my anxiety regarding the state of my life increases dramatically. Most people are excited about their birthday but I haven't looked forward to my birthday since I turned twenty-one.

As the days go by I'm having a hard time accepting that I'm in my late 20's and my life at this age wasn't my original plans. Most people re-evaluate themselves and their goals around the New Year, but for me my birthday is when I re-evaluate everything.

I thought I would care more about love or show some interest in dating, but men are the furthest thing from my mind.

I thought I would've committed to a certain career path and have a stable income career, but I have a contract job and I'm giving myself until I'm twenty-nine to get serious about other endeavors so I can quit the 9 to 5 lifestyle.

I thought some of my business ideas would be in the works, but in reality I haven't been consistent. However, I'm thinking big now, and I have a clear vision for my blog and what I want to do with my brand.

I thought I would've written a book catalog by now but I still have an unfinished series and due to the realness of book one it's a lot harder than I anticipated it being to write about people that I no longer speak to.

I thought my health would be great but over the years I've accumulated some serious health issues that are very annoying and costly.

I thought my finances would be better but I have some more debt to pay off and I didn't anticipate that the economy would be on the verge of a recession.

Most days it's a lot on my mental to grieve the life I thought I wanted, while accepting where I'm currently at, then making an action plan based off my current wants and needs. I never anticipated that what I wanted during college or even at 25 would change drastically during my late 20's.

"No one warns you about the amount of mourning in growth."

Recently my momma told me that I'm never happy which made me sad. She explained that I'm happy for a moment, but I need to learn how to live and not spend my free time always planning or thinking about what's next. She's right, and the underline issue is I'm not satisfied with my life and I'm lacking peace.

I've experience a lot of things such as being in love, buying materialistic things, moving away, graduating college, getting out of credit card debt, traveling, etc. and none of it (maybe traveling) has brought me the peace and happiness that I've been searching for. Granted happiness is a feeling that can change at any time, but it's the peace and contentment that I'm longing for.

While I'm on this journey of becoming that girl and finding peace, here's some things I've realized...

  1. Practice gratitude. I have so much to be grateful for. I moved to Houston by myself, and although I don't live in a high rise, my apartment is everything I wanted and I love living solo. I got a brand new luxury car last year, and I haven't went to urgent care or seen a doctor for any unplanned health reasons since last summer. I have a job and all of my needs are being met. I have my family and friends, and my edges back after losing them last spring from getting a frontal installed lol. God has blessed with some of the very things I wanted and prayed for a few years ago.

  2. Making god a priority. I'm a spiritual person over being religious, but I do believe in paying tithes, lent, and fasting. I've gotten away from giving God his 10%, then I didn't participate in lent this year, and I haven't went to church or watched an online service since last summer (shame on me). My momma informed me that only God can help me find internal peace which low-key pissed me off. I don't have the best relationship with God because I don't trust him even though God has shown me time and time again that he won't put no more on me than I can bear and he didn't bring me this far to leave me. It's time to tune into TD Jakes and buy this book called She Reads The Truth bible.

  3. Giving myself grace. I beat myself down and criticize myself all the time. However, I'm a multifaceted beautiful black girl with a lot of hustle and ambition, and so many people are rooting for me. Now, I have to start believing in me and rooting for myself. Law of attraction is real and the only person holding me back is me. I believe that if I'm kinder to myself and I start to follow my dreams and fulfill my purpose that some level of peace will be discovered.

  4. Figure out what success means to me & when will I be content. My therapist asked me this deep question a few sessions ago and she went on to explain the importance of defining contentment so I'm not doing a bunch of random stuff that doesn't align with me and my purpose. As of now I don't have an answer to her question, but I'm going to spend some time figuring out what a life of contentment and fulfillment looks like for me. Being content is part of having peace.

  5. You have time. Although I'll be twenty eight in 68 days and I'll be thirty in two years, if God allows me to keep living that means I still have time. I have a bad habit of putting an age and time frame on things and I need to stop doing that. Life is a marathon not a sprint.

  6. Real change takes time. Making changes that'll impact who you'll be in a month, a year, or decades from now are more challenging than making temporary changes. I have to let go of certain habits and make lifestyle changes such as not waking up at the least minute and committing to a morning routine. Another example is it's been two years since I stopped eating red meat but prior to May 2021, I had attempted to stop several times before I was successful at meeting this goal. Although, I get annoyed with myself and my bad habits one thing about it is I'm going to keep trying and do a reset as many times as I need to until I reach my goal.

  7. Less talking, more doing. I have so many ideas but I get easily overwhelmed to the point that I sit around and do nothing. My digital planners were supposed to be released months ago but I start having imposter syndrome. Outside of anxiety, self sabotaging is my biggest pitfall. Successful people are consistent and they do things even when they don't feel like doing it and I need to channel that energy.

  8. Better habits, better results. Your goals and dreams don't magically come together. It's what your doing on a daily bases that reflects in your results. I have to be more intentional with my day to day habits because what I decide to do today, tomorrow, and so forth contributes to where I'll be at by my birthday, during my 30's, etc.

  9. Life doesn't have a manual. Nobody knows what they're doing when it comes to this thing called life, and everybody's journey is different. Social media and society in general has a way of making people feel like there's something wrong with them or their life when in reality most people are doing the best they can, and life is about trying different things until you experience something that brings you happiness and contentment. Although money is essential, life isn't all about money, it's about being happy and at peace, while remembering that everybody's version of peace and happiness is different.

  10. Be realistic. I support the delusional mentality, but at the same time you have to be realistic and failing to be realistic is why myself and other people give up or don't move forward with certain goals. Realistically by my birthday I want to have a consistent morning routine and I want to have 3 to 5 planners completed and available for purchase. These goals are doable and they support my long term goal of building my brand and becoming that girl while not putting too much pressure on myself.

To conclude, getting older is scary and a blessing at the same time. As you get older you realize what's important to you and you're either happy with the progress you've made or you recognize that your life needs to do a 180. But on the flip side you have to keep in mind that people are dying every day and God has granted you another day to live, which is another opportunity to change the things that you're not happy with while being grateful for where you're currently at. I stand by this quote, "Whatever you are not changing, you are choosing" and it's time to chose better so I can be contentment and be at peace.

"Age 25-30 is crucial. You're dealing with accepting your group of friends is getting smaller, your parents getting older, cleaning the financial mess from your early 20's, your career, and your health. You gotta find time to heal your mind, you just have too."

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