Course correcting the dating scene
Updated: May 1
Disclaimer: If you're new here please know don't debate me, debate your muva.
"If y'all see me in love just know that mf applied pressure and mind yo business."
Y'all I'm over it.
The relationship podcasts, couples, and gurus. One side size doesn't fit all and if you need guidance ONLY listen to people who have the relationship or mindset similar to you.
The feminine energy topic. Why are they selling courses on how to be something that's already in every woman. As a woman who's starting to embrace my soft side I can tell you that you don't need a course to teach you that, it's in you sis. Maybe you need therapy, but a course is uncalled for and there's more to femininity than doing things to attract a man.
Everything being labeled city girl behavior and men being labeled simps. What happened to having dating standards and showing genuine interest in the person you're pursing or dating.
The 50/50 debate, pick mes, and dusty men. Do what works for your finances and for the record picks me and dusty men belong together.
Ugh the men that are always trying to humble women with standards. Go to hell.
Everybody overanalyzing everything and making something deeper than what it is. Every romantic experience or breakup with the opposite sex doesn't warrant healing, re-evaluation, or think pieces.
The term situationship, either your together or you're not, it's very simple.
Men only being valued based on their bank account. Money matters but it shouldn't be the only factor to consider when you're dating. Also just because he has money doesn't mean you should fuck with him. Outside of money a lot of these men are lame and corny.
Women being reduced to nothing but looks, yet people wonder why women are obsessed with their looks and investing in getting their bodies done. Society and social media has played a huge role in the rapid bbl culture.
Last but not least poly-relationships being a trend. Date who you want to date, but encouraging this type of set up when most men don't have the finances and most women lack emotional regulation is nuts to me.
Although I'm over it I recognize some of the issues within the dating scene because I'm not participating in the shenanigans and everybody knows that coaches don't play.
Let's get into some of the reoccurring issues and a plan on how to course correct the dating scene
Dating and not having an understanding of a healthy relationship. Most people haven't seen or experienced a healthy relationship, therefore they lack the knowledge and skills to be a quality partner. Until you know better you'll never do better.
Performative actions. Too many people wait until they're comfortable to be who they truly are when you should've been yourself to begin with. If you don't plan to send her flowers every week for the next decade, don't start out doing that. If you don't like to cook, don't start out cooking. Don't set a standard that you already know you can't maintain in the long run. When the pretending and performing no longer exist the relationship will crumble every time.
Lying and having a hidden agenda. Everybody isn't dating for love and that's okay but what's not okay is lying about your intentions and getting mad at the outcome. Be honest and know that there's somebody out there who wants the same thing as you whether it no strings attached, a poly-relationship, marriage, a sugar daddy, etc.
Dating somebody who's shown you red flags. The issues you ignore at the beginning will be the demise of the relationship.
Dating out of desperation. The type of partner you'll attract when you're lonely and desperation is significantly different from the partner you'll attract if you're dating when you're healed and mentally well. Being desperate is low vibrations and you're better than that.
Settling because having a partner is better than being single. Settling leads to resentment, unhappiness, etc. and some people end up cheating because the person they're with wasn't who they wanted to begin with.
Believing you have options. If the options were endless everybody would be with their ideal partner by now. The reality is you don't want most of the people who want you and finding your forever person takes time. Also when you have dating standards your options become limited, therefore you don't have as many options as you believe that you do. There's a catch 22 to having standards and not entertaining potential options.
Everybody loves to discuss what's wrong with the dating scene, but we need to start having real conversations regarding how to course correction the ongoing shenanigans. Here's some of my suggestions,
Go to therapy and heal from your traumas. You can't attract better or be a better partner until you've healed, acknowledged your flaws, take accountability for your actions, and developed a healthy understanding of a romantic relationship. The saying hurt people hurt people is true.
Let go of the past. It's okay to be aware of red flag from past relationships but don't go into the next relationship making somebody pay for the past person mistakes which is something both genders do, and I'm still working on this issue myself.
Learn your love language and be willing to love somebody in their language. The five love languages matter and understanding this concept can help you determine if you and the person you're interested in or currently dating are compatibility.
Evaluate your non-negotiables, and have a plan of action in mind if this persons violates them. Non-negotiables are a form of boundaries and any relationship without boundaries leaves room for disrespect. Figure out what you can and can not tolerate.
Be aware and honest about your baggage. Everybody deserves love but everybody isn't built to deal with certain baggage. For example, some people don't want to date somebody with kids which is fine. One person needs to find somebody who doesn't have kids and the other person needs to find somebody who'll accepts their kids. Both people still deserve love but not from each other.
Be okay with being single and stop settling for temporary placeholders. It takes time to find your person and in the meantime become okay with being by yourself. You're doing more harm than good by entertaining placeholders plus being alone allows you to practice self-love and figure out how to be happy without being co-dependent on somebody else. Sidenote: I'm aware that I've gotten content with my temporary placeholder and I'm not sure when I plan to let it go.
Be honest with yourself. Do you want to be Caresha or JT? Both are kept women, but one is dealing with a tribe of other women and being a legit city girl while the other one is a spoiled girlfriend. Do you really dislike the thought of marriage or your scared that you'll never find your forever person? Do you have parental issues and date people to fill a void? Being honest with yourself will help you avoid temporary placeholders and dating out of desperation.
If you desire to get married be aware of the top 3 causes of divorces which are incompatibility, finances, and infidelity. During your single era or getting to know somebody phase do what you can to address and combat these issues before you're legally tied to somebody.
Knowing when to leave the relationship. Let's normalize leaving people on decent terms without all the trauma and shenanigans. Every relationship doesn't have to end as a horror story, but it turns into that when you refuse to leave well enough alone until you get your feelings hurt. One reason why me and the ex-love of my life are still cool seven years later is because we ended on good terms and accepted that the love was there, but we were too young to work on a relationship.
Stop complaining about how niggas are and stop dealing with them, it's very simple. You can't make him change until he's ready to change and what if he's already a good man but you're not the woman for him which is the case sometimes.
If that man wouldn't change for you, change men and that's word to Lori Harvey. These ongoing debates such as 50/50, $200 dates, etc. is pointless. Stop entertaining that energy and go date a new man that aligns with your expectations.
Unfollow the podcast, relationship gurus, etc. Tap out from the bullshit and tap into God and other things that give you hope when it comes to healthy romantic relationships. Everybody has an opinion but God has the final say so.
Frequent environments that match your ideal partner. I don't like this one but it's true. Your ideal man can't find you in the house unless he's a delivery driver or mailman. The big dick baller you want isn't at Fat Tuesdays (I love this place btw), but he could be at an upscale gentlemen's club or a work conference at a five star hotel in your city. Outside of social media your dream man can't find you if he doesn't have access to you. You don't necessarily have to change the things you like to do but switch up the environment. Like I previously mentioned it's cool to be fun/party girl but consider switching up from the typical bar to an upscale bar/restaurant.
My final thoughts...
Relationships aren't that hard and they're only difficult when the person your dating isn't meant to be your person. Zane put up a post that I strongly agree where she said, "I honestly do not believe that the world is full of bad people. I believe that the world is full of people who are bad for each other and yet attempt to make something work that is simply not meant for them. A person can be a horrible match for one person but the perfect match for someone else. No one should remain in a toxic situation; millions do."
I don't believe nobody I dated was a bad person regardless of how things ended. If these men were absolutely horrible people such as abusive, scammer, etc. then I would've never dated them in the first place. The reality is everybody I dated wasn't my person and that's okay. That doesn't make me nor them bad people, we weren't meant to be and unfortunately we were casualities in each other's personal development phase when it comes to learning how to establish and maintain romantic relationships. I don't even believe the guy who cheated on me consistently nor the guy I wrote the book about are bad people. I met them at a time when they were still childish and when they meet the right woman or when they're ready to grow up from being a boy to a man they'll be a good partner for somebody's daughter.
To wrap it up here's my own course correction dating plan.
The dating scene has me jaded but never bitter. I've realized that I'm not interested in dating because of the environment I tend to met men which is the DMs, dating apps, at work, or the grocery store and all of these places are filled with somebody's dusty ass son. I got lucky by matching with my last partner on a dating app within 24 hours of being active, but I don't believe my ideal partner is in none of these environments so it's time to switch it up if I decide to start dating again.
Although I remain indecisive about romantic relationships I'm figuring it out in therapy and I'm relying on God to send me my forever person if it's meant for me.
I'm working on being more financially responsible and lower my debt to income ratio so if I met my person within the next few years I'm not a finance burden to the relationship.
Lastly, I'm only listening to advice and guidance from Shera (Sprinkle, sprinkle), Dr. Heavenly from Married to Medicine, Stephan Speaks, and Jackie Christie from Basketball wives.
Shera talks with sense and she's teaching the girls the game on how to attract and keep a provider, sprinkle sprinkle. & for the record she's not the female version of Kevin Samuels, I'm tired of seeing that statement.
Dr. Heavenly has a healthy marriage where her and her husband are getting to the bag, she doesn't cook unless she wants to, he supports and stands behind her when she's getting rowdy, they have a big house and nice assets, great family dynamic, and so much more from what I've observed on TV. She's outspoken and some people feel like she's a lot to handle (similar to me), but he handles her well and they're a great union. When I think about marriage for myself ideally their set up is very similar to what I envision for me and my future partner.
Then there's Jackie. Everybody knows Jackie Christie is bat shit crazy but her husband loves her down and he sticks beside her crazy ass too, and he's never been caught up in bullshit even when he was in the NBA. The type of love he has for her is unmatched and he still participates in their annual vow renewal and in the words of Jackie, "If we're always planning a wedding then we don't have time for a divorce."
I have my ideal marriage and partner in mind and if I can't have that then I'm not getting married nor experiencing motherhood, because what I do know is that I want to have a family and not just settle for being a mother. Until it's my time to shine I'm going to keep enjoying my role as the rich auntie and I'd advise y'all to get offline and get your mind right when it comes to dating in real life.
Whew this post was so therapeutic for me and when I feel ready I'm going back to the dating scene with love, light, awareness, and positive vibes.
"I'm not wildin' out like I used to, I don't do the things I used to no more
I've changed for you. Looking back, I thought I would never, love like this broke so many hearts before, I changed for you"
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