Disclaimer: I'm evolving and so will my views on certain things. This post is for me to remember when I manifested everything that I wanted, and remember what I want and what you may want is two different things.
"Some days I wanna be in love..some days I wanna be to myself." - Tink
This feeling feels foreign yet familiar....
It took a while, 3 and a half years to be exact...
But, I'm ready to be in a committed relationship.
I want to be one of the my man, my man girlies (in a good way).
It's giving it's time to be somebody's dream girl then somebody's lit wife.
It's been a journey to get to the mental space that I'm in now and if you've been here since 2020, then you know how devastated I was when my last relationship ended.
I was done with love indefinitely and conveniently out of state babe came back into my life.
He was a welcomed distraction and a great temporary placeholder as I cried, healed, and figured out what my love life looked like moving forward.
During the healing process I noticed that the thought of dating would bring me to tears so I spent most of my therapy sessions in 2023 processing if marriage and kids was something I truly wanted. By my 28th birthday and last therapy session with my former therapist I figured out that partnership and creating my own family was important to me.
However, around Sept. I felt like I wouldn't be able to balance a love life while being career driven, and fast forward to the holiday season I kept telling people I wasn't going to take my love life serious until my early 30's.
But somewhere along the way I changed my mind...
I unfollowed and blocked relationship content that was negative or didn't align with my views and goals for black love.
Then thanks to "sprinkle sprinkle" content and other positive stories and trending Tiktok sounds such "To my man, thank you to my man," I saw the love I always knew existed and yearned for.
Then Flo Milli dropped a song called "Never Lose Me" and I know it sounds crazy but the urge to be in love and thoughts of somebody's son feeling like he never wanna lose me made me realize I'm craving everything she spoke about in the song.
I anticipated this feeling changing because I've been content with being alone, but the consistent desire to love and be loved remains the same.
"Fly to Asia, he feedin' me sushi. When we fuckin' it feel like a movie." - Flo Milli
Black love, I crave that.
Brunch dates and random gifts, I dream of that.
Reassurance, sending me songs, and I love you messages, I want that.
Baecations and making memories in another city/country, I deserve that.
Passenger princess while we're riding through the city vibin', I dream of that.
Russel Wilson with a hint of Future, I pray for that.
Provider energy and a godly family man, I gotta have that.
A diamond heart shape ring and a baby girl, I desire that.
Monogamy and getting ate up like a cupcake, yeah I definitely deserve that too.
A soft boss babe life, the perfect title for being career driven yet submissive and put up by my man, yeah that's the ultimate goal.
But, I'm not perfect.
I have health issues.However, I've embraced a healthier lifestyle and I believe a trip to Bali to see a holistic doctor is going to heal my other issues.
Out of state babe is still in the background, but I've learned from dealing with him that I'm still full of love and just being me is enough. I feel like he has love for me, but he understands his place, and he's going to fall back when somebody's son enters my life.
I have some financial obligations I need to handle. I'm manifesting being a six figure baddie and I have some things in motions and ideas in mind to bring in the bag. I don't want to be a financial liability.
I'm an anxious baddie with a dismissive avoidant attachment style. I've been in therapy for six years and coping during anxious moments is a lot easier for me now in comparison to six or even two years ago. I'm continuing to work on not being dismissive but this part of me may never change, and I lowkey like my attachment style because it's means I'm always going to be fine no matter who comes or goes from my life.
I'm inconsistent and lack discipline. This isn't per say bad traits for a relationship but if I'm not feeling like that girl then I don't want to risk lashing out at my partner. I also want to match my future partners energy and it's going to take discipline and consistency to be that girl and achieve the lifestyle I've always dreamed of. On the bright side I'm listening to self help audiobooks and I'm committed to becoming the best version of myself.
Getting in loser, it's time to start dating.
I'm nervous, but I have to make an effort to date this year.
To prepare myself I'm going to order some cute clothes. I figured out my new wardrobe will consistent of preppy bohemian and some cozy casual attire. After learning more about my female archetype (post about this coming soon) preppy bohemian is definitely me while cozy casual is for when I don't want to do too much but still look cute nonetheless.
I'm also not interested in online dating nor entertaining the DM's so I have no choice but to go outside to high vibrational places and attend social events. I love low vibrational antics and places, but my future husband isn't there. However, after several attempts I recently agreed to go on a date with a guy who's been in my DMs (I know what I just said y'all lol) and he visits Houston frequently. He's been respectfully and cool so far, stay tuned for an update.
It's been a long time coming, but my heart is at ease knowing I'm somebody's dream girl and the love, a babygirl, and godly hood romantic husband with a big bag is meant just for me.
"All I want is to love and be loved, to love and be loved."
- Nicki Minaj
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