Disclaimer: I was in a good mood when I started writing this, then I got in my feelings.
"A weekend getaway and a date night in another city is what she wants."
I told myself I was done discussing my dating life, but y'all love to hear about it and I'm in the mental space to talk about it. After a three year hiatus...I'm back outside.
Let's get into my grand re-opening to the streets...
First Guy: The first date was cool and a cute intro back into the dating world. However some of his commentary let me know I was good off seeing him again.
Second Guy: I was enjoying a solo night out when I meet him. He was laid back but talkative. When he gets back in town from a business trip we're going out.
Third Guy: He's a certified BDB and the first date was good, he made me laugh a lot. However, he's trying to fast track things and I can tell he's used to bitches doing whatever he say because he has money. In the words of Big Glo, "They be going for anything, I can't go for none of that." For financial and business purposes fucking with him would be very beneficial, but is it worth though?
Fourth Guy: He's been in my DMs, but he's been very respectful which is shocking because the DM niggas don't be talking about shit. We're supposed to go on a date later this month, but I'm nervous because he knows me from social media and it's takes me a minute to warm up to somebody in real life. Hopefully it's nothing but good vibes when we meet in person.
Thinking out loud: Self-Reflection Moment
Going from fuck these niggas to being in my dating era started out fun.. then I started to feel overwhelmed and drained by the time I meet the third guy. Being a serial dater is a lot and dating cuts into my free time which is already limited due to my work schedule. I want to give up already, but I also like the thought of being in a committed relationship before the end of this year. Ideally I want to keep dating but realistically I'll be surprised if I make till the end of the summer.
Then I'm annoyed that people kept advocating for me to dating but once I rejoined the scene it's very underwhelming. I'm not impressed and I still stand by most of these niggas are lame. Granted all the men that's approached me recently have money but money doesn't make up for lack of personality, character, or somebody's son making sexually advances too soon.
I don't feel like what I'm asking for is too much, but then again maybe it's too much for this generation of men. I'm also considering dating outside my race. I love black love and I want to procreate within my own race, but I gotta put myself and future kid needs above staying loyal to my people.
I don't know what the future holds and my feelings today may change tomorrow but what I do is I'm going to stay pretty, be happy, and continue to evolve as a multi-facet black baddie. I'm also going to pray about my love life and what's for me won't pass by me.
In other news
I've said a lot of things on this platform regarding romantic relationships, but since I started dating again I've re-evaluated some of my standards and non-negotiables, and my mindset towards certain things have changed. Let's talk about it.
Sex. I still believe in having sex when the spirits moves me to do, but what used to move my spirit doesn't hit the same now. I was starting to wonder if I was asexual because of the thought of sex with a new person gave me the ick, but I realized I'm demisexual. I need to have an emotional and mental connection with somebody beforehand. I've also debated being abstinent until marriage, but I know once I'm in a committed and healthy relationship I'm going to desire that level of intimacy again.
Too sexual too soon. Speaking of sex, a major red flag and turn off during the first date with two guys were they asked if I was on birth control and after I said no they told me I need to get on it asap. Keep in mind both men were African and their culture is different from the African American experience. Bringing up sex or sexual topics when I wasn't being sexual is side-eye behavior. Then I didn't like that the second guy kept asking me to spend the night with him. It was starting to give rapey vibes, and unless somebody's son is approaching a well known 304 it's crazy to bring up sex within the first few dates or conversations. Also something about somebody's son begging for pussy gives incel vibes, and in the words of Phaedra (RHOA), "Go away from me with this Apollo."
Birth control. I haven't been on birth control in 4 years and I originally planned to never get on it again. However, once I'm in a committed relationship I plan to talk to my partner about preventive measures and I would consider birth control again.
Soft girl only. When I was a young warthog I enjoyed being combative, a rebel, the theatrics, etc. but after evolving as a woman and seeing a different side of myself when I'm with out of state bae I only want to date and be committed to somebody who makes it's natural for me to be soft and feminine, not defensive and combative. The third guy was on the verge of making me talk to him like he was a dog ass nigga on the side of the street and I'm above that type of behavior now.
Money isn't enough. I still want an MDB, but money can't be his personality or his way of trying to control me. The third guy could've taken me out of the 9-5 world and have me put up but he also tried to talk to me like I was his property which caused me to be combative and not the soft version of myself. I will consider my man's opinion and be submissive to my husband but talking to me crazy when we haven't established anything is nuts. I still stand by I can be with somebody even if I don't love them as long as I like them, they love me, and my other needs are being meet, but I can't tolerate somebody who doesn't respect me and my free will as his woman.
I'm not a sprinkle sprinkle or city girl. After encountering this batch of BDBs I realized I don't have the heart to be a sprinkle sprinkle or city girl. Lord knows I wish I could do it so I could fast track getting my commercial property. Money is important, however it's not everything nor worth enduring certain shit. I still enjoy the sprinkle sprinkle content and some of what she say still applies to how I plan to navigate the dating scene, but money first isn't my only frame of mind while I'm dating. It's one of the many of factors that's required.
Kids. A man having a kid use to be a nonnegotiable, but I'm in my late 20's and a lot of people have kids now especially the age group that I prefer to date. As long as there's no drama and I can meet his child's mother to ensure they're strictly co-parents I'm fine with dating somebody who has a kid and heavy on the one kid only limit. A man with more than one kid and multiple baby mamas is too much for me.
An alpha male may not be for me. They're too dominant and I have my own controlling tendencies. I need a man who knows how to take charge and make decisions when need be, but he also gives me the space to be me.
Competing with my solitude. Most men are competing with other men for a woman's time and attention but that's not the case for me. Somebody's son is competing with the solitude, comfort, and safety I feel when I'm by myself. Dating pushes me out of my comfort zone and quality time is my top love language meaning getting my time and attention is a challenge and the moment I feel annoyed, uninterested, etc. I'm going to go back to what I know which is me, myself, and I. It irritates my soul when somebody's son begs for my time and proceeds to waste it, he could've left me alone.
The male ego. Lauren London did an interview a while back where she discussed how she's not good for the male ego and that resonated with me. As an independent girly I'm quick to remind a nigga that I don't need him, but men like to feel needed and want their ego stroked which is a struggle area for me. I have to work on not emphasizing that I'm independent and get a grip on my dismissive mentality if I want the soft life.
Baecations are a must. One great thing about the men whose expressed interest is they're passport ready and they mention taking me on a trip which is one of my unwritten love languages. Traveling in my next relationship is a nonnegotiable.
I love me differently. Younger me would've tried to change if somebody son didn't like something. For example, I stopped being a fun girl during my last relationship and thank God I found her again after we broke up. There's always room for improvements, but I love the woman I am and who I'm growing to be. I want to make more money and get my body to tea status but there's so many other great things about me and somebody's son is going to love it. I spent most of my 20's hating myself and my life after making certain decisions, but after moving away and surviving certain things I love and appreciate myself differently. I love my hot girl moments, but I love being career and goal oriented. I love smoking hookah but I love a themed tea party. I love bad bitch days and I've learned to embrace the sad girl days. There's multiple layers to me that I love for different reasons and somebody's son is going to love it too.
Boundaries. Lack of boundaries is how love bombing and other red flags turn into six flags. The earlier boundaries are established the better. Men will do damn near anything including overstepping your boundaries if it means they'll get what they want. The third guy keep asking me to spend the night with him and after a few days of him annoying me I blatantly told him to plan another date or leave me alone. Having boundaries and enforcing them meant I was running the risk of losing a BDB but it was better to stand on business then entertain somebody who didn't have good intentions.
Be specific when you're praying, because God is funny. So everybody who's approached me has money and their shit together which is a major factor for me but I should've been specific when I kept emphasizing the money factor. Moving forward I've revised my future husband wishlist.
Dating should be fun. I want to enjoy the journey of finding my forever person but the third guy put a damper on my outlook of dating. After venting to out of state bae (yes we're cool like that) he reassured me that dating is supposed to be fun and any nigga stressing me out this soon isn't for me, and he's right.
Where do I go from here
Whew 2024 has taken me through a range of emotions.
I started out on my Flo Milli shit with "He don't never wanna lose me," which led to me agreeing to a first date after a 3 year hiatus to whoa I'm a serial dater.
Now I'm drained and over it...but maybe just maybe if dating is fun again I can keep doing this shit.
To be continued....
"After all, computers crash, people die, relationships fall apart. The best we can do is breathe and reboot."
- Carrie Bradshaw
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