"I live for the nights I can't remember with the ones I won't forget." - Drake
The high school days were fun and the college days were lit. Everybody was besties, falling out over he say she say to only get right back cool again, and nothing was a secret or off limits in your friend circle. Something about graduating from college or reaching your mid-20’s, makes you have a great awakening regarding friends.
As I mentioned on the previous blog, letting go of friends used to be so hard for me. During my first year of therapy I spent too many sessions venting about friends. One issue my therapist kept bringing to my attention was what boundaries and expectations did I have for my friends? Unfortunately, I had a lot of unsaid expectations and I needed to implement some boundaries immediately. Oddly enough the dynamics of certain friendships changed and even ended once I set some boundaries and let my expectations be known. Part of creating boundaries and setting realistic expectations is acknowledging what type of friend are each of your friends. The expectations for a party friend is going to be totally different than the expectations for a social media friend. Knowing your friend circle and categorizing them correctly will save you a lot of unnecessary conflict and hurt feelings.
Here's a break down of different types of friends.
All purpose friend: I love this type of friend. They’re down for whatever and you don’t have to think twice before contacting them. This type of friend is unique and very valuable.
Big sister friend: When it comes to the select few times that I want advice I’m grateful for my friend, Megan. Having a big sister who’s been there and did that is important as you're navigating through your 20’s.
Party friend: This friend doesn't last long-term in my opinion. For example, one of my coworkers was my party friend in 2021. Once we stopped working together and I didn’t desire to go as much, this friendship faded away. However, I can call her today and say, "Bitch I want to go out" and she’s always down for the turn up.
Non judgmental friend. This friend gets a different type of love from me because no matter what I do in life they’re going to support me even if I’m doing some nonsense. Under any circumstances they’re going to listen and be there through the process. When I was contemplating dealing with Out of State bae the first person I confided in was my guy bff. He’s opinionated yet understanding and he often reminds me to live my life and do certain shit until I don’t want to do it anymore.
Honest friend. Everybody needs this type of friend. Life be lifing and sometimes we get sidetracked from our goals or we get lost in the sauce. This friend can call you out, keep it 100 with you, and remind you that you're still that girl. Now if you're this type of friend, tread lightly though, because everybody isn’t ready for honesty. Only be honest if your friend is doing detrimental shit or they ask you to read them.
Everyday friend. This is the friend you can call whenever you want to talk about everything and nothing at all. You call them because you’re at Food Lion and you're bored or you want to talk about your stressful day at work. For me, this is the friend that rarely gets on my nerves. They can Facetime me whenever and I’ll answer or make an effort to call them back. I only have one friend like this and that all I have the patience for on a day to day basis.
Best friend. This friend tends to be the person or people that you’ve known the longest or experienced some real shit with. This type of friend is important but don’t confuse them with the all purpose friend.
Show up when it’s important friend. Everybody needs this type of friend too. Partying together and talking every day is cool but it's something about knowing that this friend is going to show up and be there no matter what which hits different. They’re going to be at the baby shower, birthday parties, business launches, graduation, etc. This type of friend is me. Don’t call me everyday. Don’t keep asking me to go out unless there’s hookah. But best believe when it’s your birthday, somebody died, or something serious is going down I’m going to be there.
Social media friend. Y’all send each other memes, react to each other's stories, or y’all are in each other’s close friends. These friends are great for daily laughs or being online supporters. I love my IG close friends as it's been a safe space for me to be me and share sex sex memes.
The strong/go-to friend. This is the friend that listens to everybody and always knows the right things to say, but nobody rarely listens to them. I used to be this friend, but thank God I was delivered. My quality of life got better once I denounce myself from that role in people's lives. It’s great to be strong, but some friends need a therapist and it’s okay to tell them that.
Work friend. I no longer work in the office settings anymore but I always made at least one friend. Not two or three friends but one solid work bestie. This is the friend that’ll clock you in if you're late, they’ll cover for you when you're doing b.s on the clock, they’re a safe haven for venting about work, they’re going to stick beside you when there’s work drama, and they’ll keep you updated on important emails and meetings. One of my work friends turned into a real friend and I mentioned her as a big sister. While another work friend has still remained my friend 4 years later and we both left that company 3 years ago.
In addition to categorizing your friends it's important to keep in mind who gets along with who when it comes to inviting friends to events/outings, and which friend is just your friend. Yes we’re grown and yes everybody should be able to be cordial but that’s not real. Some friends should hang out with you one on one and that’s that. Honestly none of my friends have beef with each other but knowing everybody’s personalities and interests I prefer to only link certain friends with certain friends. For example, 2 of my bff used to be friends and that friendship has faded on to glory, and I do my best to not bring them around each other. On the bright side, shout out to my girl Marva for always being the friend that can be around anybody without being problematic.
To wrap it up, it’s also important to evaluate what kind of friend you are and don't overplay your role. I used to give the “your being a bad friend” speech to some people and that was pointless. They were a bad friend, they knew that, and that was my cue to let them hoes go, end of story. Knowing who you are and what role you've been assigned to in somebody's life will benefit you in the long run.
In reality every friendship can not be saved and every friend serves a different purpose.
We’re getting too old to be complaining and falling out with friends when categorizing them, setting boundaries, and discussing realistic expectations is the answer.
"Stay close to people who feel like sunlight."
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