Updated: May 17
“Y’all be too weak in the knees for me. Stand up, stand up.” - Some girl from Tiktok
A few weeks before my 26th birthday is coincidentally when me and one of my bff got back cool after barely speaking for 6 months. Around this time I had decided that I was done having major falling outs with people. There’s a list of people in my life that I love, but if we have another major falling out, that’s it. No invite to the wedding. No invite to my graduation party. No invite to anything else pertaining to me. Maintaining any relationship can be challenging, but I believe when you’ve done your part to sustain the relationship, it’s time to say fuck that person and move on with your life.
Thanks to therapy I realized a few years ago that I can’t make people change and I can’t control people either, but I can control if and when I want them to be a part of my life. Over the years my momma and some of my friends have mentioned that I’m nonchalant, unbothered, and I cut people off quickly, which is true but I wasn’t always like this. I saw that people love to play and I just don’t play about me anymore. I used to lack boundaries, let people’s opinions get to me, and just let all types of bullshit slide off the strength of how much I loved and cared for some people.
My therapist taught me that you're allowed to set boundaries and expectations with people. You give them time to change or make improvements, then you have two choices to either accept them for who they are or leave that relationship. I’ll always choose to leave the relationship because if my needs aren’t being met or my feelings don’t matter to you, what's the point in giving this relationship any more of my time. The ongoing nonsense of waiting for people to change when they’ve shown you time and time again that they’re content with how they are is the definition of insanity.
And for the people who like to say “Life is short” please cut it out. Sorry not sorry people knew that when they were doing whatever they wanted to do at your expense. That statement can’t keep being an excuse to take more bullshit from people who clearly don’t care about you or how they make you feel. For me once I say fuck you your already mentally dead to me anyways. And no I don’t subscribe to the “be the bigger person” bullshit either. Trying to make amends or playing nice with people who haven’t changed, sets the vibe that you’ll tolerate their disrespect and that’s not okay. What you allow will continue and that applies to friendships, family, your job, and significant others.
I recently read a statement that said “You know when you try to mend and fix things after having a little fall out or argument? And the relationship just isn’t what it was before? This is a sign you’ve played your part in each other's lives and it’s time to move on. Sometimes, you need distance to see what’s real.” This statement is the epitome of when it’s time to say fuck that person. Conflict is normal and it’s a part of human nature, but how long do you keep enduring conflict and falling out before it's time to let it go. I think God shows us when somebody’s time in our life is up and you can accept that voluntarily or involuntarily. Everybody won’t be in your life forever and it took me a long time to accept this. You can love some people and still know that dealing with them isn’t conducive. You can love and want to work on a friendship, and still accept that the both of you are in two different places in life. And for now the friendship has run its course. You can love that family member and know that they’re toxic, and still cut them off. You can even forgive people and know that reconciliation isn’t an option.
I will say distancing yourself from a person or situation will show you one of two things. 1) You miss them and you're ready to do make amends or 2) Your life is good and more peaceful without them. Personally I rarely experience removing somebody from my life and missing them. I do everything that I can to maintain the relationship from telling you how I feel at least twice to talking about them or the situation in therapy. When I get to the point that I don’t care if I see or talk you, then it’s easy for me to say fuck you. I know that sounds harsh, but expressing my feelings is hard for me yet I still try though. The fact that I try more than once yet you still blatantly disregard me and my feelings tells me everything that I need to know.
Honestly, this is why me and the bff I mentioned earlier had a falling out because she said some shit more than once about a situation that I'm in. I tried twice to speak on how I felt and she didn’t show any remorse or understanding about my feelings nor the situation. She was ready to move on and I wasn't. I will admit that I hold onto shit and forgiving somebody is a long process for me. Thankfully after 4 or 5 months of not speaking we talked again, she finally understood my feelings, and I felt like her apology was genuine that time. I know she doesn't agree with the situation but she knows that I'm going to do what I want to do and I'm not explaining myself to her or nobody else.
I believe people apologize for various reasons whether it's because they mean it, it’s convenient, or they have alternative motives. Regardless of why they decided to apologize it's important that both parties understand where things went wrong. Communication and trying to save a relationship without comprehension is pointless. Saying how you feel and somebody understanding how you felt is two different things. To avoid falling out about the same shit again make sure there's a clear understanding and let it be known what you expect moving forward. I definitely made it clear that I can’t endure another falling out with her and we both learned that we don’t handle conflict and communicate the same way. I pray this friend is in my life forever because I’m worn out with falling out with people that I love.
To wrap it up a lot of people are unhappy and holding onto dead relationships. Don’t let that be you and don’t let nobody guilt you into putting up with their shit. I hate the saying “You know how I am,” because yes everybody has their ways including me, but if some of those ways are costing you important relationships maybe it’s time to change. And if that person doesn’t try or express interest in changing you have a right to say fuck them and move on with your life.
I know everybody doesn't handle relationships the way that I do, but my life has been more peaceful since I started telling myself girl, fuck those people!
"You have to meet people where they are, and sometimes you have to leave them there too."
- Iyana Vanzant
This weeks item of the week is a book about setting boundaries and finding peace. I love following this author on instagram, @nedratawwab. She post great content for developing, creating, and maintaining healthy relationships. This book is on my reading list for personal development. Check it out and may 2022 be the year of healthier relationships.