Updated: Mar 19
Disclaimer: This post was supposed to be about a different topic regarding love but it turned into something else, I hope it's still a great read.
"Some days I wanna be in love, some days I wanna be to myself." - Tink
So it's been two and a half years since my last relationship ended and unlike most people I have a serious issue with dating again. The past 2 years I've kept saying that I'm going to start dating, yet it's 2023 and I haven't went out with anybody else outside of out of state bae. Initially I didn't think anything was wrong with my non-existent dating life, until I noticed that I'm becoming too content with my guy friend and the thought of dating literally triggers my anxiety and makes me tear up (I'm being so serious y'all, literal tears).
To be more intentional I put black love on my vision board for this year and I told my new therapist that I want to work on dating again and decide if I want to get married and have kids. My past two sessions dove into my childhood, my last relationship, and we started to uncover my underlining issue with dating. She attempted to ask questions about the childhood incident and my first partner but I danced around the questions. Only one person knows how deep the childhood incident was plus how I met my first partner and started having sex in college impacted me. I never answered my old therapist questions about it either and maybe one day I'll address it with my current therapist. That chapter of my life has been pushed back to my mental rolodex for a reason.
So after avoiding the first set of hard questions she started asking about my ex and I thought to myself here we go, here the fuck we go. I gave her a quick rundown of him and my perspective of where things went wrong. She had the audacity to tell me that it sounds like I went through seasonal depression due to the amount of time I spent crying, and this breakup was very traumatic for me since I've expressed no interest in dating since then. Is she right..I don't know. Being depressed about a man, chileee please, but I do agree with the traumatic aspect though.
Moving forward we discussed my fears and she told me something that I already knew which was I'm scared to be vulnerable. I don't like talking about nor expressing my feelings (I've came a long with telling somebody how I feel) and I have serious trust issues. The only reason I was okay with dealing with out of state bae shortly after my relationship ended was because I knew him years prior and I already trusted him. She gave me a spill about not anticipating negative outcomes and look at dating as an opportunity to met new people, and what if I met somebody who makes me want to share my life with them forever.
Ugh her educated ass is right but thinking positive and trying to date is going to be a process for me.She suggested ending this ongoing situation with out of state bae as well as challenging me to go on five dates after I said my goal for this year was to go on one date lol. Personally, I know it's time to end this situation. I've had my fun and it served its purpose, but it's hard to let it go and I have to ween myself away from him and attempt to transition us back to the friend zone. However, I am committed to going on one date this year, and if I get myself to a better place financially and mentally within the next few months I'm open to the idea of going on more than one date.
Lastly, she said something towards the end of the session that hit different which was, "You deserve to be loved." My parents, my friends, and my family love me, but romantic love is a different vibe, and deep down I want to experience love that doesn't result in me suffering or crying.
I want to love and be loved.
I want to go on a baecation and exchange top tier gifts.
I want my Pinterest board for relationship goals to become my reality.
I want to trust somebody's son and let go of my "don't put your trust in a nigga" mentality.
I want the urban fiction love story that I'm obsessed with reading about.
I want to experience positive black love.
I want to be a hot girl but my man is coming to pick me up afterwards.
I want to be able to have a love life and be a boss bitch.
I've wanted it for so long, and I've came close to having it twice, and maybe third times a charm.
This journey of figuring out what love means and what it looks like for me is just the beginning, and with the help of my therapist I'm committed to figuring it out.
"Girls need love too (so what's a girl to do). Girls need love too (when she needs loving too). Girls, girls need love too. "
- Summer Walker
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