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Hitting rock bottom, but I want to be at the top

Updated: Mar 8, 2023

Disclaimer: I need to vent and where I’m at right now wouldn’t last forever, but living in autopilot mode since July has taken its toll on me.

"All I really wanna hear is, "It'll be okay". Bounce back 'cause a bad bitch can have bad day." - Meg

Over the years I've share certain parts of my life after the storm is over but this storm is lasting way longer than normal. I thought a lot of things would be different by now, but it's not. It's hard to be this honest with y'all because people are judgmental, but on the bright side it's easier to be this transparent now before the blog grows to the capacity that I've been praying about.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of struggling financially. Money comes and goes. The job market is terrible. Applying for over 700 jobs since July, attending interviews, not being selected, and just the constant stress of moving money and hustling to make money has me exhausted.

I’m tired of inflation. I have no control over rent and food prices. It is what it is and it’s time to make more money.

I’m tired of figuring things out and being labeled a strong person. I’m a critical thinker and a solution based person, but even people like me get tired of being strong. Being strong isn’t the flex that people think it is. It’s exhausting and just because I look like I have it all together that isn't the case, most days I’m barely hanging on by a thread.

I’m tired of figuring out what I want to do career wise, when in reality I just want to write, grow my 20 Somethings brand, and travel (all of these dreams takes time to fulfill). I feel guilty for changing careers but I wasn't happy working in the mental health field. Although I'm tired of trials and errors, I'm not going to stay committed to a career or any job that no longer serves me.

I’m tired of dealing with my health issues. I can’t wait to go to Bali one day and see a holistic doctor. If I don’t believe in nothing else I truly believe after doing some research that a holistic doctor can cure some of my issues.

I’m tired of feeling depressed. I don’t like the word “depressed” but the constant crying, my mental stability, insomnia, and lack of motivation some days correlates with the signs and symptoms of depression.

I’m tired of feeling like nobody understands. Although people care about me, nobody wants to talk to somebody who’s always sad, overwhelmed, and complaining. I know I’ve been in a depressive state since last summer and I don’t expect other people to tolerate me or even want to deal with me right now. Also people’s commentary tends to send me further over the edge and a lot of people don't know how to listen without giving advice.

I’m tired of wondering if moving away was the right decision. So much hasn't gone as planned since I left NC, on top of the fact that I’m an introvert but I miss my parents. Not being able to go home for Christmas really impacted me. I need a hug from my momma, a talk from my Mema while I sit on her lap, and for my daddy to give me a forehead kiss and remind me that everything is going to be okay.

If I could have anything right now it would be peace. Forget marriage and kids. Forget having a dream job/career. Forget the materialistic things.

I would say fuck it all if it meant I’d have internal peace. For years I’ve been searching for peace, and although I’ve had some peaceful moments, I want it forever. I want to be at peace with certain decisions that I’ve made even though the outcome didn’t go as planned. I want to have stable income, meaning being able to pay my bills, enjoy life, and essentially love what I do for a living. I want to love myself and my life. I want to wake up everyday and be grateful that God has kept me here another day.

I’ve been listening to audiobooks regarding changing your life and it’s somewhat helping. First, I listened to The Miracle Morning which was very encouraging and although I fell off my morning routine 5 days ago, I have to get back to it. Secondly, I’m currently listening to Atomic Habits and I know I have some bad habits such as procrastinating and making bad food choices when I feel like I’m losing control of my life. The one thing I can always control is what I eat and I’m aware that I’m an emotional eater. Third, I have a collection saved on Tiktok titled self-love and motivation which has over 50 videos that help keep my spirits lifted. Fourth, I'm still in therapy, and lastly, I spent a lot of time creating vision boards and being detailed about what I want and foresee for myself. Despite how shitty I feel some days, I'm doing the work on my end to become a better version of myself.

I also found myself going through phases of getting mad at God. He has the power to change my circumstances in the blink of an eye, but he hasn’t yet and I don’t know why. There’s a video I have saved on Tiktok where Steve Harvey explains that you can’t tell God how to bless you and if God would have shown you what you had to go through, you would have turned back and missed who you are today. In order to get to who you are you had to go through everything you went through.” He’s right, if I knew then what I know now I would have quit a long time ago.

"Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, bad bitches have bad days too. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, bounce back, how a bad bitch always do." - Meg The Stallion

Knowing that other people have bounced back from the worst circumstances helps me to keep going too.

B. Simone had $42 to her name a few years ago and she became a millionaire in 2020 during the height of the pandemic.

Tyler Perry and Steve Harvey were sleeping in their cars at one point and we’ve watched them elevate and become successful entrepreneurs.

JT went from scamming and being in prison to being in a committed relationship and doing what she loves which is rapping. (Her interview with Angie Martinez was amazing, go watch it.)

A youtuber (Asha Everything) I love and one of the few women I aspire to be like, moved back in with her parents during the pandemic and now she’s traveling frequently, in a healthy relationship, a corporate baddie, and runs a successful online clothing store.

Hear me clear you can come back from anything which is a statement I’ve told myself since 2019. I literally moved to a new state and started from the bottom with whatever I could pack inside of my truck and two suitcases. This come up is going to hit different then all the other times I’ve bounced back from the bullshit.

I started writing this post from a tearful perspective, but by the end I felt hopeful. Although peace is a top priority, I want so much more out of life and to whom much is given much is required. I don't know what the future holds and I don't know when life is going to get better but I have to keep going. Da Baby said it best, “It is what it is. Whatever God wants me to go through, let’s do it. Imma do it chin up, chest out. If my head drops for a minute don’t mind me, Imma pick that mf back up.”

“Every day the sun wouldn’t shine but that’s why I love tomorrow.”

- Glorilla

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Tiktok: erica_nicolexo

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