“How could my world be much better off without you.” - Jorga Smith
If somebody would’ve told me 6 months ago that me and somebody’s son would be on better terms without me wanting to smack TF out of him, I would’ve thought it was a lie. I can’t believe it’s been a year since we parted ways and I’m still unpacking the emotional baggage from that situation.
As y’all already know I reached out to him in November for closure which was pointless and I accepted that he and I were done for real that time. In December he was on my mind so I reached out to him once again. I told him about my ongoing health issues and surprisingly he responded back with sad news about his family. We shared a moment of compassion for each other but that was it. When I wrote my last update about him I was going into the new year knowing I’d never get closureand I was mentally in a place to accept the situation for what it was until he resurfaced on March 28, 2021.
Tell me why this man waited 7 months post break up to send me an overdue apology and finally gave me the closure I asked him for months ago. I really thought I was in a better place but reading his heartfelt message made me cry a lot and for the first few days I contemplated taking his ass back. As bad as I wanted closure a few months ago I was kind of mad that as I’m starting to heal and accepted that I’d never talk to him again, he pops up disturbing my damn peace. However, we got caught up on life and decided we’d try to be friends because although things ended badly I did miss him as my friend. For damn near a year and half he was my person. Over the next few weeks we stayed in contact with each other and he told me he was in therapy (finally somebody’s son spoke to that lady ahaha). Things between us were cool and of course he tried to use sex to get back in my good graces but I didn’t give in. Towards the end of May we agreed to go to dinner whenever we were both available. I wanted this dinner to happen because I hadn’t seen him in over 6 months and a part of me needed to know face to face that I wasn’t walking away from the one. So I let him know my schedule and just like August of 2020 the dinner never happened. Honestly, we haven’t talked since May and for real this time I’m good off him indefinitely.
I did decide to tell him happy birthday at the end of July and we got caught up again. This man had the audacity to ask me if I missed him and I gave him a real answer, "Last year I missed you a lot but now no. I've gotten use to you being gone." The conversation fell off after that and after this moment I realized I can't be his friend. I understand he misses me but I'm not the same woman I was a year ago and clearly he doesn't respect the friendship boundary I tried to put in place.
I wasn’t disappointed that the dinner never happened because I received the closure I needed and the reassurance that I made the right decision to leave his ass when I did. In a perfect world when he came back we would’ve fixed things and been back on track towards looking at houses and building a future together. However, the reality of the situation is he’s going to need more than a few months of therapy to make long term changes and the emotionally hurt I experienced during our last few months together was too much to overcome.
Here I am a year later and I still don’t feel ready to date. I did a lot of shit differently with him and for the first time in years I let my wall down and I gave him grace and patience that nobody else’s son has ever gotten from me. There’s time where I analyze several moments that I should’ve walked away such as November 2019, where we’re arguing about lack of communication and how he failed to commit to certain timeframes that was blocked off for us, or the numerous times I’d state how I felt about certain shit and he’d pull the silent treatment which triggered my anxiety (I now know emotional abuse is unacceptable). I can’t change how I decided to handle that relationship because 90% of the time he needed that love and grace that I gave his ass and along the way and even now I learned the importance of boundaries within a romantic relationship.
Moving on is hard for me because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to do the wait and see game of figuring out if somebody’s son's intentions are genuine or bullshit. Dating is work and the damage that was done from this situation as well as relationships before him makes me question if I’m capable of loving and being loved again...only God knows.
I want to feel loved.
I want somebody’s son to love the shit out of me to the point that everybody can look at us and see it.
I want to feel special and treated like a priority.
I want to be soft and emotional without being ignored.
I want to trust this man.
I want to feel confident and secure with him.
I want to be able share his last name and have his kids.
I want something that deep down I fear may never happen.
“I just wanna lay back, spend my baby money in his Mayback. I deserve that life, be a damn good housewife.” - Jazmine Sullivan