Kiki, do you love me?
Disclaimer: ISSA RANT (Properly written, this is a rant.)
Dear dating in the 21st century,
After my experiences and hearing my friends vent about the dating scene, several questions and thoughts have plagued me.
First, why are women expected to come into the relationship with their shit together, yet males aren’t held at the same standard. As a woman in today society we’re taught that you have to struggle, be a ride or die, or basically settle for less until that man is done playing and decides to be serious or wife you. I've seen women including myself tolerate cheating, holding a guy down while they’re in jail, helping "their man" pay their bills, etc. Quite frankly, I have a HUGE issue with this nonsense. In the words of K. Michelle “You can’t raise a man.” A woman shouldn’t be damaged or hurt in the process of a man figuring out who he is. Also, women need to understand if his momma couldn’t get him to act right it’s going to take more than nagging him, sex, or whatever other foolish you chose to do to get a boy to grow up and be a man!
Second, situationships. Lord knows I hate this word and the damage it’s done to the dating environment. My definition of a situationship is a fake relationship for people who say they want something real without being held accountable for anything. Most of the situationships I’ve seen involves lots of sex, going on dates, spending the night, and some situations go as far as “I love you”. In the mist of bonding and intimate moments there’s a PLOT TWIST. We’ve all hear some guy say, “But we’re not together though.” or some female saying “He ain’t my nigga. I don’t care what he does.” In my opinion both of those statements are bullshit. Although they’re not a couple, this guy has been entertaining her and blowing her back out, but the second she expects a title or wants him to cut other females off, he’s quick to remind her they’re both single. WTF! Then females are in denial saying they don’t care knowing damn well they’re trolling his social media. Seems like you care more than you say you do sis!
Personally, I don’t see the value or point in engaging and building a bond with the opposite sex by doing relationship type things without a relationship title. This type of foolishness leads to people having a negative outlook on dating and love when a connect like this was bound to fail from day one.
Third, dating isn’t what it used to be. Point. Blank. Period. Dating use to involve going out somewhere (movies, restaurant, bowling, etc.). Currently many dates especially the first date is Netflix and chill. Another change is males use to ask females to go out with them face to face or during a phone conversation. Currently, the discussion of going out is done via text or social media. Additionally, finding love online is the new wave. Dating sites like Tinder, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, or BlackPeopleMeet are on the rise. Let’s not forget plenty of relationships have started on the gram. The saying “It goes down in the DM’s” is too true. Also, communication between people that's dating use to be phone calls or face to face, but now some relationships have been deduced to nothing more than a bunch of text messages. Sorry not sorry hearing somebody’s voice or seeing their face means much more to me than a damn text especially when the person texting you is a “Wyd” all the time texter.
I’m a tough cookie. I have my ways about me that aren’t going to change, and one of those ways are I’m a princess (in the words of my father) and my significant other needs to treat me as such. My father, grandfathers, uncles, and any male within my family treats females with respect. Therefore, I grew up feeling like a man is supposed to treat you a certain way such as opening doors, being a provider, paying on the first date, and so much more. One thing my daddy instilled in me was “If a man can’t do for you what I’ve done for you and your mother then you don’t need him.” Let me be clear during the teenage years and college days my dad nor me expected a guy to take care of me, but my dad was basically saying before you think he’s the one make sure he’s a man of my statue or even better.
I love and appreciate my daddy for raising me this way, but at times being raised this way has it's downfalls. Many guys in high school didn’t want to date me because I had standards and they had to meet my father before they took me out. Continuing into adulthood my standards have increased and many guys want me to tolerate their bullshit and I don’t. At times I felt like my standards and beliefs regarding relationships created a barrier between the desire to date and the reality of the type of men that I would be interested in dating. Still till this day finding a happy medium between these two factors have been a struggle. I know there is somebody out there for me, but there are times where I feel very weary about dating and getting married.
Furthermore, I know I was born and raised in this generation, but I have a traditional mindset. I envision a guy approaching me at the gym, Walmart, or some type of public setting and processing to hold a conversation, take my number, and later ask me on a date. Some people think my mindset is unrealistic and some have suggested online dating, but for me I want to see a person face to face verses knowing them online then meeting them. Also, seeing somebody face to face gives me a chance to take in their appearance and figure out their vibe. Right now, I’m not sold on online dating or conforming to the current movement of dating. I’m constantly praying God will send me a great man without involving social media or the online world, but if it's meant for me to meet him this way then so be it.
Lastly, a lot of dudes want you to understand some shit but listen here this melanin poppin' woman is motherfucking tired of understanding! I’m tired of understanding you lied about having a child. I’m tired of understanding that you have communication issues. I’m tired of understanding why your broke and still working on a get rich plan. I’m tired of understanding why you can’t be faithful. Basically, I’m tired of the bullshit. I know everybody has baggage and nobody is perfect but some of the shit women are asked to put up with is #TeamTooMuch!
A tired young black woman
“No more settling for less. I’m looking for that kind of man that’s gonna give his best cause I’m giving my best. A man that wants to cherish this and know exactly how to move me.”
-Letoya Luckett, Not Anymore