Disclaimer: I know my last post was about dating and this post may contradict everything I just said a few days ago lol. This post is low-key all over the place but I hope it makes sense by the end.
"I just want to make it, that's all." - Cardi B.
I've never craved and wanted a better a life for myself like I have these past five months. I don't want to feel how I felt in 2022, every again and to ensure that I'm never at rock bottom again I have to focus on myself, build a stronger relationship with God, figure out what brings me peace and happiness, and get this money by tomorrow.
With that being said although dating sounds fun I feel like it's pointless until I have my shit together. I don't believe in dating until what I require is also what I can do for myself. Plus, dating is time consume and I don't have time to spare on somebody's son, even if it's just for fun.
Outside of a love life I feel like nobody, but my international bff (one of my childhood bff moved out of the country) can relate to where I'm at mentally.
Most of my friends are dating or in a relationship.
They either have kids or the desire to have kids.
They're working a job that they like or they're on the right career path.
They own or currently looking at buying a house.
Then there's me, somebody who doesn't give a fuck about none of that shit.
My interest in dating is highly questionable depending on which day of the week it is lol.
Y'all already know I'm still team fuck them kids, but I love my god-babies and three great nephews.
I'm working in HR which is a career path that I like if I have to work a 9 to 5, but the goal is get my writing and other business ideas in motion, so I can quit having a 9 to 5 within the next few years.
I haven't figured out where I want to live at for the rest of my life. However, this is my first time experiencing what it's like to live by myself so buying a house is the furtherest thing from my mind.
I recently had a conversation with another one of my bff and she's in her have fun, money is residing, and dating era. Which was another reminder that my journey is different from others. She doesn't resonate with me when I told her that I love my new city and I want to have fun sometimes, but my mind isn't focused on fun. I've experienced having fun while neglecting my goals (shoutout to chapter 25) so why would I repeat that same cycle in a new environment.
Nobody talks about how it is challenging to maintain adult friendships let alone trying to talk to certain friends who can't relate to where you're at in your journey. I'm sure my friends with kids may feel this way about me sometimes. Honestly, I miss my NC friends but I feel like this season of my life requires me to talk less and do more.
I know it's possible to have it all meaning the friends, the family, a man, being a boss bitch, etc. if the foundation and support system is right, but right now my foundation is shaky and I have a virtual support system until I met some genuine people in my new city.
Until everything comes together all I care about and can focus on is changing how I feel about myself and being where the money resides. If I had to pick between maintaining friendships, having a man, seeing my family, working on myself, or making more money. I would easily pick being in my selfish girl era where I work on myself, travel, and do everything I can to save and make more money. I love this video from an interview Cardi B did earlier this year where she said, "I just want to make it like, I was so hungry. I just want to make it that's all."
I want my love and gift for writing to inspire others and put me in a different tax bracket.
I want to stop bartending and have my own mobile bar business.
I want Twenty Somethings to grow into everything I aspire for it to be and to help other girls navigate and overcome their 20's.
I want to wake up and love the life that I've built for myself.
I don't know if I'm still going to have the same friends when this part of my journey is over.
I don't know if love is ever going to be in my favor.
I don't know if where I moved to is going to be my forever city.
I don't know if my current job is going to remain my job by the end of June.
Anxiety is rooted in the fear of the unknown and there's a lot of uncertainty and wondering if everything I'm doing for myself is going to get me where I want to be in the long run.
I also want what God wants for me and if it's meant for me to be a wife, a mother, a great friend, etc. then I'll embrace it when the time comes but right now my journey isn't about love, fun, or friends, it's about me.
If you're in the same head space as me, I'm praying for you because this journey gets lonely sometimes and a lot of people don't understand a "selfish era". If somebody in your life is in this era please pray for them and understand that they still love you nonetheless.
I pray within the next few years that I can read all of these deep post and tell myself "Girl, you made it."
"If you want something different, you are going to have to do something different."
- Jack Canfield
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