“Sometimes the betrayal is the blessing.” - Unknown
Life is good now and a big part of why I’m in such a better place is because I’m going to therapy. Yes, my loves I’m sitting on somebody’s couch spilling the tea and I’ve been going to therapy ever since Dec. 2017. It’s liberating and honestly the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. In one of my previous post I mentioned how I was in my closet crying in October 2017, but I never explained why…so here it goes.
In September 2017, I met this guy. Things moved quick, which later became part of the problem smh. My daddy always told me “Anything that happens fast, ends fast,” and my daddy's words reign true for this situation. So everything was good between us until GHOE. I thought we were exclusive per his words, “I want you to be mine and I don’t want us to talk to other people.” Naturally I went with it but mind you nothing was made official yet (Stupid me, right). So it’s October 2017 and GHOE is here. I was supposed to go out that Friday night, but I wasn’t feeling good, so I stayed in. However, he went out and for the lack of better words he acted like a hoe. To make matters worse one of the numbers he got was from somebody I knew within my close circle. Yeah that cut deep. To his surprise I found out about this epic weekend and I was crushed which led to one of the worse anxieties attacks I’ve had since mid-2015 when I was on the verge of quitting college (another story for another time).
To be honest this incident alone wasn’t the only reason I had a mental breakdown, but this incident was the last bad moment I could take before I lost it. This moment was literally the straw that broke the camel's back lol. Prior to this moment some of my family members had passed and although we weren’t too close, I don’t take death well. I was also beyond tired of working two jobs and I had just failed my 1st class in grad school. Shit was crazy and I fucking lost it. I was throwing things around my room; I was laid out in my closet in the dark praying to God and wishing I could just die.
As you already know I didn’t die but this moment helped me realized how bad my anxiety was. I’ve always been a worrier and I tend to have awful crying spells as I like to call them, but this moment was far worse than any of my past crying spell. This moment scared me to the point that after all these years I had to address it… I had to face the anxiety. I talked to my primary physician about my feelings which led to me being referred to a therapist.
Therapy has honestly been a life changing experience. I’ve made tremendous progress from Dec. 2017 to now, April 2019. I haven’t fell out on the floor crying since January. I’m no longer committing to things that I don’t want to do. I also found myself and I love her...I truly do love me. Nope, I’m not crazy but I do need help managing my worries and figuring out how to cope with life.
Real talk, it’s a blessing to have Jesus and a therapist lol. Talking to someone who’s not bias and genuinely there to listen to you is everything. Hence, why I’m in grad school to be a therapist. Despite the backlash, seeing a therapist isn’t just for crazy people, it’s for anybody especially if you’re a millennial & you’re feeling lost.
Now back to this guy, when everything hit the fan, he apologized but we stopped talking and I blocked him from contacting me via social media and my phone. Yeah, I was that mad. So this past November while I’m out at Fat Tuesday’s with my girls I run into him for the first time since October 2017. He came over to talk to me, pleading his case and apologizing once more. I accepted his apology this time because it felt real unlike the first one. Against my better judgement I started back dealing with him simply because so much foolish happened the first time. Plus, I needed answers from him, and I didn’t want to keep having “what if” thoughts. Well, unfortunately things didn’t work out the second go round which taught me another life lesson, which is when people show you who they are believe them the first time. Despite all the time that went by from Oct. 2017 to Nov. 2018 nothing about him had changed. However, unlike the first time I was strong enough to put an end to things before I got my feelings hurt again.
I said all this to say, meeting him caused a lot of tears and hurt which is what I meant by the worst. However the best thing ever happened when I addressed the anxiety and now, I’m a better person, what a difference a year and a half can make (smile). Best of all, I LOOSELY based my first book, The Ultimate Betrayal: A 336 Love Story on this situation and briefly reconnecting with him fuels the pen for the sequel. You heard right, part 2 is dropping soon, where the plot thickens, and the betrayals deepen.
In honor of National Mental Health Awareness month it’s a good time to educate yourself on mental health and how it may affect you & the people you love. Take care of yourself and be blessed my loves.
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
- Maya Angelou