My Story: The good, bad, & UGLY
Updated: May 8, 2020
"It's a celebration, clap-clap bravo, lobster and shrimp and a glass of Moscato" -Drake
Cheers to turning 23 on August 23rd, MY JORDAN YEAR is almost here.
This birthday is extra special to me because the terrible 22’s is over. Praise Break ahaha, but seriously though I couldn’t be happier to be entering a new chapter of life. This last year has been one of the hardest and depressing times of my life. I’ve had my fair share of crying, questioning if life was worth living anymore, & battling with anxiety. So many nights and early mornings before I went to work I would be crying on the phone to my momma or losing sleep because unforeseen circumstances of life kept happening. My unhealthy routine from Sept. 2017 till Mar. 2018 was going to work, coming home to contemplate everything I needed to handle, and deciding to binge sleep till 8 or 9pm some days. Many nights I slept for dinner, talked to my momma, & went right back to sleep to wake up and do the same cycle all over again. Also, having anxiety and working two jobs + grad school made this last year more challenging. I was living life on the run and never had time for myself. For me anxiety intensives the bad times 10x more because I’m worrying and obsessed with figuring out a solution. I get racing thoughts and it feels like numerous fireworks are going off in my mind to the point I would binge sleep to give my brain a break. For a while I felt like I was dying inside and yes, I tried to express my feelings to a few people, but many people said, “Your strong” and “You’ll be fine, everybody goes through a rough patch”. I was tired of hearing the classic clichés, I felt like people were overlooking my true emotions. I’m not blaming people but I wished they would've understood or at least considered how I was feeling.
Well last October I prayed and wished I could just die…serious thoughts of death deeply consumed me. Everything happening during this time led to an awful mental breakdown, where I’m crying alone in my dark closet. Looking back, I’d never kill myself but, in that moment, I wanted all the hurt and pain I was feeling to end. I knew so many people would be hurt, sad, & mad if I wasn't here anymore, but during that time I wasn't thinking about anybody else. All I considered was myself and the desire for the hurt to stop. Sadly, the thought of not existing anymore was my way of coping at that time. Moving forward, I took the necessary steps to get my mental together, but I was still having my struggle moments until May 2018. I attended church asking God for a breakthrough. A few weeks later one of my friends told me, “Erica, anything that’s going to cost you your peace of mind you have to let go of. Nothing is worth losing your peace.” My friend was completely right. Overtime I had lost my peace of my mind due to unexpected life events, worrying, feeling like a failure, and not letting go of a bad situation. Let me be the first to tell you it’s a miserable feeling to lack peace within yourself. Lacking peace will negatively impact other areas of your life. The minute I let go of certain situations and people was the moment I gained my peace back. Having peace brought back my happiness and old self.
"Your life becomes a masterpiece when you learn to master peace." -Unknown
I’m beyond thankful I survived and overcame this tough season because Lord knows it was far from easy. I’m grateful for the people that prayed and loved me even when I didn’t like or love myself some days. I know I was depressed, distance, and always irritable which made dealing with me difficult, but God placed those people in my life for a reason. So many people don’t know how much their kind words or compliments helped me through the bad days.
This post is raw and uncut, but I wanted to share my story because many people in my age group (18-32) are struggling, especially mentally. Life during your 20's can be rough. With the increase of social media, it’s easy to feel down about yourself or comparing yourself to others but the gag is most people ONLY show their good moments, please remember that. I’m here for the “Living your best life” movement, but let’s be honest with the good comes the bad. If your experiencing bad times, keep your head up, go to therapy, pray, attend church, etc. take the appropriate steps to become a better version of yourself.
I know a lot of the things I revealed will shock some people because I didn’t tell them everything if anything about my troubled times. I’m a private person and now that the storm is over I’m opened to sharing my story in hopes of letting other young adults know that life happens, but there's a rainbow after the storm.
Lastly, when your going through some things you’ll notice some people will ghost you
or they don’t know how to be a friend during troubling times. For a while and still till this day this type of behavior has deeply bothers me, because I’m not a needy person in fact I feel like I don’t need people; but this last year I needed people like never before. I needed somebody to love me. I needed somebody to care. I needed a shoulder to cry on. Truthfully, I’m a tough cookie & I push people away especially when I’m going through some things, but regardless I felt like some people should of did more or made an effort to be there for me anyways. I recall too many times when I stood by them no matter what. But IT IS WHAT IT IS, RIGHT??? Anyways, it’s up to you if you want to keep those people around after they’ve ghosted you. Personally, I’ve ended and put some friends on timeout for this vary reason. However, some people don’t know how to handle bad circumstances and I’ve learned to accept them for who they are.
As I reflect over everything from August 2017 till now I just want to say God is good. I’ve learned it’s okay to not be okay and I’m stronger than I thought I was. For the most part I know how to manage and deal with my anxiety, but some days are worse than others.
Going into chapter 23 I’m going to be unapologetically me. I’m going to be happy. I’m going to keep my stress level at a minimum. I’m going to maintain my peace even if it means I had to let go of certain people or things. I’m excited for a new start. A fresh notebook and 365 pages to write a great story for chapter 23. Speaking of writing, my first Urban Fiction book titled The Ultimate Betrayal: A 336 Love Story will be released next month. Be on the lookout for more details.
Peace and blessings my loves