“It's never the right time to say goodbye." - Chris Brown
Disclaimer: I’m choosing to talk about this shit because I’m hurt and writing this is a part of my healing process.
After 16 months, 467 days, & too many hours to count, a part of me still can’t believe I’m saying it’s over. Every relationship has its issues, and thanks to COVID I was forced to acknowledge the issues within my relationship. Prior to COVID work was the way that we would avoid conflict or a convenient excuse to dismiss the issues we were having. Like many other couples our problems magnified times ten once we were both furloughed from our second jobs and had so much more free time to think, get reacquainted, etc..
To make a long story short we went on a break in May which didn’t last long and looking back if I knew then what I know now we should’ve ended things then. However, we made amends and I kept trying to make things work out over the summer. I’m saying I because that’s exactly what it was. I was trying to uplift him as he’s going through some shit, even though I had my own shit going on. I was making the effort to make sure he’s good even when he acted like he doesn’t give a damn if we go all day without talking. Honestly, I’m going above and beyond because I loved him and I understood the impact of how not reaching his career goals and turning 30 was affecting him. Well the week of my birthday I was done with being understanding so I popped up on him to have a face to face conversation. The conversation didn’t resolve anything and at that point I was hungry and over it so I left. As I’m waiting for my takeout food something overcame me and y’all I blanked on his ass via text messages to the point that I threatened to fight his ass (Yes, I’m guilty of hitting on past exes & yes I’ll do it again). He’s trying to apologize and telling me how he’s going to do better (umph typically nigga shit) but I’m not trying to hear that shit. So the next day after I calmed down we agreed to go to dinner and talk after my birthday trip. Deep sigh... I returned from my trip and we never went to dinner.
“You know when you lost one, a good one, you know when you lost one.” - Jazmine Sullivan
The five stages of grief are real which started the week of my damn 25th birthday. I went through denial for almost 3 weeks. I kept feeling like he’ll call and like always we’ll work things out, that never happened. Then I moved into the bargaining phase where I kept telling the few people that knew what was up that I was willing to take him back if he’s going to change some of his ways. I was really in bargaining mode and in denial when I was saying, “But that’s still my man and if he comes back today I’m going to take him back”...deep sigh. At the beginning of September Jazmine Sullivan dropped “Lost One” which pushed me into the depression phase. I’ll never forget on Sept. 9th I opened up Youtube on my firestick and went to the music channel which is when that damn song started playing & I cried for what felt like hours. Around this time I had cried twice before that night, but this cry was different. This cry was me moving out of denial and bargaining and the depression phase truly set in. For a month or so all I did was cry. I’ve experienced heartbreak before, but I swear this time was different. This time I thought I was going to marry this man, I came up with a wedding hashtag and everything (Stupid me). This time around he sent me houses he was interested in buying for us and I was considering which state we should move to that would benefit both of our careers. This time around we discussed sharing a dog, kids, and so much more. This time around I thought at 23 years old (which is when I met him) I was done dating and God had blessed me with my soulmate, my life partner, my Russel Wilson with a hint of Future. The pain I’ve felt as I’m experiencing the loss of this relationship is something I don’t wish upon no one. After weeks of crying damn near every other day I returned from my Cabo trip (end of October) and I stopped feeling depressed, but now I’m angry. I’m angry that it’s been 2 months since we've talked and he acts like he doesn’t give a fuck. I’m angry that I have to move on without him. I’m angry that as life is going on I don’t have him to depend on. I’m angry as fuck after 2 years of not dating, I met him, and let my wall down for shit to end up like this. Fuck!
I learned during my last therapy session at the beginning of November that anger is a part of grief and anger is a secondary emotion to being hurt. At this point I didn’t care if we never spoke again, I’m just mad as hell. One of my besties came to visit me mid November, and she told me “sometimes you have to acknowledge and verbally say I’m hurt.” You would think after damn near three months I would’ve admitted how hurt I was. Anytime my momma or a select few friends would ask how I was handling the breakup my response was nonchalant. Well on Nov. 14th I decided to admit to myself that I was hurt. I’m hurt beyond words. I also mentioned to her how I felt like it was really over this time and I needed closure. She supported my decision and mentioned closure may help me start the healing process.
The next day I decided to reach out to him because I’m tired of wondering if it’s really over, if he’s going to come back, or if I want him back. To make another long story short I told him how I felt during the last few months of our relationship and how he ghosted me after that last argument. He told me it’s 100% him and not me and he didn’t intend to ghost me (I’m sure what he intended when I reached out after my bday trip & he didn’t respond back but okay). I tried to ask what he meant by that specifically and of course I didn’t get any real answers. His responses made it clear that we’re done for now and he apologized. I didn’t accept the apology because I wasn't in the acceptance phase yet. Yes I also said, “we’re done for now” because like most men after some time passes by he’ll be back, whether it’s by a “hey stranger” text, popping up at my job, or some other irrelevant B.S to work his way back into my life. Plus I'm a great women so I know whether it's a few months or even a year passes by he'll be back. I’ve contemplated if I’m really done and every time I think about how long he could go without speaking to me I feel like he should go the rest of his life without me (shoulder shrug).
Now it’s mid-December & from time to time I catch myself saying, “Damn we’re really not together anymore,” but on the bright side I’m at the acceptance phase. It wasn’t meant to be & I’m not dragging this situation beyond 2020. I haven’t cried since November 22, which is the longest I’ve gone without crying since September, and I can finally listen to “Lost One” as well as see black love on my timeline without having a melt down. Healing is a process and for now I'm doing good.
Despite everything I’ve said about him, he’s still a good man with some great qualities. I loved lunch dates/date nights he would plan and when I would get cute & he’d take me on a ride through the city. I loved how he would speak life into me and be on my ass about getting certain shit done. I loved how he used to look at me like I was his everything and kiss me on my forehead. I loved chilling at his place, drinking wine, & talking about everything & vibing. Damn I loved a lot of shit about him. However, he had some fucked up ways about him that became a deal breaker. I also know I’m not perfect either such as resorting to violence or talking reckless when I get big mad. I did apologize to him for that and I’m still in therapy where I’m actively working on how to express my emotions without thoughts or threats of being violent. I also hope for his sake he decides to go to therapy soon, he needs it. Honestly a lot of people do.
Oddly enough, I’ve felt a sense of peace over the last few months. I’m not worried about somebody’s son and I’m taking more trips. With that being said, in the mist of grief I found comfort in talking to other men. I never believed in the saying, “To get over somebody you have to get up under somebody else” until now. Yes I’m hurt and I'm in the healing process, but unlike the old me I don’t feel the need to cut myself off from the dating scene. I don’t feel the need to stay at home and literally cry every weekend. I don’t feel the need to self-reflect because I’m 25, I know who I am, and honestly it really is him and it’s his loss. I'm not ready for a serious relationship again and anybody I chose to entertain knows this. I'm having fun for now and in the words of Meg "I'ma be outside till I don't want to be."
To wrap this up, I gave so much of myself to that relationship and I question if I want to allow another man to have access to my heart, mind, and body again. Breakups can be traumatic, let allow experiencing this shit during a pandemic. It's going to take months, maybe even a year for me to heal and bounce back from this situation. I use to question why God brought this man into my life for things to fall apart, but I know in my heart and mind that everything happens for a reason and what’s to come is better than what’s gone.
"One of the worst mistakes a woman can make is wasting years of her life waiting for a man to change or grow up."