“Opinions are like assholes, so who gives a shit.” - Fabulous
Disclaimer: I love all my homegirls, but I’m very selective on who I take relationship advice from.
According to the Merriam Webster dictionary the word “advice” can be defined as recommendation regarding a decision or course of conduct. Although this definition is accurate over the years I’ve developed a serious issue with this word and how people from friends to family tend to use this term as a way to speak on certain aspects of your life without your permission specifically your dating life.
I’m the type of person who doesn’t believe in taking advice from everybody whether you’re my friend or not, simply because I don’t value everybody’s insight on certain aspects. To me a major part of taking advice from others is you must value or feel like their knowledge on certain topics would benefit you and guide you in the right direction. The flip side to advice is unsolicited advice which absolutely pisses me TF off. I’m not sure if people feel entitled, if it’s the freedom of speech, or social media but we're living in an era where people feel like it’s their place to give out unsolicited advice.
Anybody that knows me knows that I’m not here for any type of advice unless I ask you. My policy is if I didn’t ask you, then I don’t care what you think. My feelings about advice have created tension between my family and friends over the years. I make it very clear that it’s my life and whether you agree or disagree I’m going to do what I want and I’m not going to listen to your advice and thoughts on me, if I don’t want too. I’ve blocked family members on social media for giving out unsolicited advice. I’ve gone a few days without talking to my momma after she gave me unsolicited advice. I’ve taken a break from certain friends after they gave me unsolicited advice. I understand the purpose of advice and there are times where I do need it, but it’s too many critics with no credential.
Over the years I’ve noticed a topic that people can’t seem to stop giving unsolicited advice about is relationships. I remember watching Insecure last summer and one reason Molly & Issa fell out as friends is because they were too involved and opinionated about each other's relationship choices. On one of my favorite podcasts called “Pour Minds” the two co-host discuss how giving each other relationship advice took its toll on their friendships. I don’t know if men easily understand their role as a friend or what, but too many females feel compelled to speak on their friend’s dating choices and that bothers me. I understand that everybody won’t like who you're dating but it’s also not everybody’s relationship. I’m also aware that most friends are coming from “a good place” but sometimes you don’t want to hear that shit.
Within the last three months I’ve had two falling outs with my homegirls after they gave me their unsolicited advice about my dating life. First off they crossed one of my boundaries, which is speaking on my relationship. Second, it hurt my feelings that as my friend you questioned and doubted me when I’ve never dated or put myself in crazy situations without knowing when it’s time to let it go. Third, I didn’t feel like they were in a position within the dating field to tell me shit. Fourth, their commentary and advice felt like a judgement, and although they expressed that they weren’t trying to tell me what to do that’s exactly how they made me feel.
I took my space from them and yes I talked to my momma and other friends about the issue because I couldn’t understand why they felt like it was okay to cross that boundary. I finally decided to let them know how I felt and of course they didn’t mean it like that but that’s how I took it. Yes they were coming from a place of concern, but I hadn’t told them anything that they should’ve been concerned about. I let it be known that coming to me about my relationship choices is a boundary within my friendships and they shouldn’t be surprised if I don’t tell them anything else about my dating life because I felt like they were judging me. Honestly, I‘m still not over what they said because it takes me five to seven business years to get over shit (ahahaha, I’m kind of playing). I’m praying I can let this shit go soon and a part of me envies other friendships where females can tell their homegirls anything without judgement... I want that.. I need that from some of my friends.
I decided to discuss this topic because unsolicited relationship advice within female friendships is hella problematic, and nine times out of ten after you speak on their situation whether your opinion is right or wrong your homegirl will likely shut you out and tread lightly with telling you anything else. Furthermore, females love to tell their man what their friends said and of course their man can’t wait to paint the friends out to be some hating ass bitches. I rarely see a positive outcome from giving unsolicited relationship advice and let’s be real we all know a female that cut off friends and even family for the sake of her relationship. Relationships are built over time and built off of different principles and values. You may not understand your homegirl dating life but in my opinion unless that man is beating her ass it’s not your place to say shit unless she asks for your opinion.
Lastly, when you give out unsolicited advice I feel like you have to hold yourself accountable for what you said and the part you played in how your words may impact your friend’s relationship. For example, in my last relationship one of my friends had the audacity to say “You're too good for him.” Y’all this comment came out of nowhere and yeah we ended things a few weeks later, but during the first few months of this breakup that same friend who insinuated that I shouldn’t be with him wasn’t around for support. What was the point in making that comment and advocating for me to leave him and when it actually ended you weren’t there for emotional support...deep sigh... make it make sense. This is just one of many examples of how people will advise you to do some shit and not stick around for the outcome which furthermore supports my values of creating and respecting boundaries as well as being selective on who I’m going to take advice from.
The meaning of friendship changes for me every few years as I evolve and grow as a woman, and although it hurt my feelings I realized you can’t talk to everybody about your relationship and what I want in a man and for my dating life may be completely different from my homegirls and that’s okay.
“You in my business… don’t do that”