Team F##K Them Kids + Red Flags
Disclaimer: Please keep in my mind these are my thoughts and opinions. I’m not for or against abortions, but I don’t agree with bringing kids into fucked up situations. What I'm about to say doesn't pertain to nonconsensual sex.
Another disclaimer: I wrote this a few weeks ago & I debated if I should post this but after listening to Summer's album, the latest episode of Insecure, & an interesting post I saw on Facebook I felt the need to share this. Everything I'm about to say is from love and I really want better for women especially black women.
“Safe sex is great sex, better wear a latex. 'Cause you don't want that late text, that "I think I'm late" text” - Lil Wayne
I saw an interesting tweet on SpiritualWord that stated, “If women really knew their worth they wouldn’t be single at their baby shower.” I know everybody's situation is different, but I agree with this statement to a point...let me explain.
I know too many people who were in fucked up situations and once the pregnancy test reads positive, now you're coming to all these realizations about your situation. I’ve always wondered why conceiving life tends to be the end of the situation..the straw that finally breaks the camel’s back. In my opinion many females are aware of the red flags but they ignore them. I'll use myself for example. I was 19, and my bf at the time wanted me to have a baby. Basically he wanted to give me the American dream and marry me too. I wouldn’t have anything to worry about if I got pregnant, but there were a lot of red flags from him being controlling and crazy to having unresolved conflicts with both of his parents to him constantly cheating on me. Nothing about him outside of finances would be an ideal situation to bring a baby into this world. If my parents won’t have raised me with the mindset I have till this day I would’ve fucked around, had a kid, and been miserable despite hella red flags popping up damn every other week that that relationship continued on (there's a whole blog post dedicated to this relationship btw).
Furthermore, although I was raised a certain way I grew up in an environment where so many kids are products of fucked up situations and being raised in broken or single parent homes. I was also a teacher assistant at Title One school where 90% of the kids lived in single parent homes and on govt. assistance and overall their quality of life was sad if I'm being honest. Anyways, Let me define some examples of fucked up situations in my opinion.
On and off again relationships: If your relationship or marriage (marriage doesn’t mean you should have a kid either) is on the rocks or constantly going thru it I don’t believe adding a baby to the mix will help y'all get on better terms.
Not being financially stable: Yes a baby needs love, but love doesn’t pay for diapers, formula, childcare, etc. If you're already struggling financially or better yet he’s been broke since day one what do you expect him to do financially if you have this kid. Honestly if a man is broke I couldn’t even contemplate fucking on him. Worst case scenario he doesn’t even have half of the abortion money. Meg said it best "how you let a broke nigga talk you out yo draws." Also some men have the funds to support a child and they don't even want to do that.
Mental health is deteriorating: from my observation having a kid takes its toll on females and the relationship. If your mental health is already suffering I don’t foresee adding a kid to your life as a helpful option. Also postpartum is real and if you're already struggling mentally your more at risk for postpartum.
One party doesn’t want the baby. It’s going to be difficult to co-parent if one person doesn't want the baby (some females don’t want to be a mom but they’ll keep the baby for the dad’s sake) or better yet for the female you’ll be signing up to be a single mother if that man decides to leave. You can't force somebody to be an active dad if that's not what they want to do. Look at Summer, Ciara, & several other women in the world with sorry ass baby daddies. (Season 5 episode 3 of insecure heavily focuses on this.)
He’s married or has a girl. Live your life how you see fit, but understand that he may or may not want you to have this kid and you should be aware that bringing a kid into this situation is going to be messy. Do you want to partake in the messy baby momma/baby daddy culture?
A baby won’t make him be with you. Having a kid just to be tied to somebody for life or hoping he’ll stay with you is by far one of the dumbest things a female can do. A baby will never keep a man that doesn’t want to be kept.
Not having the time to raise a child. This isn't per say a fucked up situation but it's a value point in regards to being a quality parent. If your never going to be with the kid because your working so much or your busy running the streets and the kid will be their grandma or somebody else all the time, what's the reason in being a parent. It's a great thing to have a support system but it's wrong to make your family feel obligated or responsible to care for a kid that they didn't create. In the words of Summer, "Now what's the point in keep on havin' kids, if she just gon' be raisin' them? That's just pure laziness."
If you're NOT having a child because you're ready to be a parent or because you're in a great situation, I don't understand the decision behind having a baby or not taking preventative measures to avoid a baby.
It’s no secret that I’m not ready for kids and too many people in my life have been waiting for me to have a baby (keep right on waiting too lol). Whether I'm married or not I don’t plan to have a kid until I’m financially and mentally ready. I will admit due to me having PCOS I would consider this factor before I let go of a baby if I unexpectedly got pregnant. Having kids isn’t a game to me and too many people have kids for shits and giggles when you're potentially fucking up another human beings life.
Thankfully I’ve never been pregnant and I’ve dated the type of sons that if I would’ve gotten pregnant all of my bodies except for one person would’ve wanted and supported me having a kid. Somebody once told me, don’t have sex with anybody you won’t want to have a kid with and I couldn’t agree more. Sex is an adult move and if you don’t want to deal with an unplanned pregnancy or be another statistic then wear condoms, get on birth control, take a plan B or have an abortion. Not taking preventative measures is basically agreeing to getting pregnant. Hold yourself accountable for your choices and remember it's up to you what kind of baby daddy you'll have.
I highly suggest having a sex talk with your partner. Discuss your thoughts on kids and worst case scenario if an unplanned pregnancy occurs what's their thoughts and feelings about it. Ladies be honest about whether or not your on birth control and men don't be afraid to verify that she's on birth control. Also discuss STDs and test results. All of this is the adult thing to do and after a certain age it's a poor mindset to keep having unprotected sex without having an adult conversation.
Lastly, yes some men will insist on having raw sex or make bullshit ass promises to you especially while you're in the moment. And yes sex is an act that involves both parties and I'm not excusing men from the part they play in conceiving a child. However, from woman to woman, take care of your business by any means necessary and don’t allow nobody’s son to have you at a baby shower by yourself if that’s not what you want.
Men will walk away whenever they want to and females should keep that same mentality. I mean Summer Walker dropped a whole album forewarning females to acknowledge red flags and not putting yourself in a situation to be another baby momma.
“The Woman Must Not Depend Upon The Protection Of Man, But Must Be Taught To Protect Herself.” -Susan B. Anthony