Updated: Jan 22
Disclaimer: Despite how lit Mexico was, I haven’t been in a good place mentally since last summer so please give me some grace. I'm also not in the best place to start back blogging, but consistency can't occur if I keep finding reasons to not release this post.
"When it rains, it pours."
The past 5 years have had so many trials and errors with sprinkles of good memories and good people, but I wasn’t prepared and didn’t think I had the strength to overcome half of the shit that happened in 2022. Let’s recap last year and why I disappeared.
The top of last year (January) was heavy due to me carrying the burden of childhood trauma and finding the courage to tell my momma, then dealing with the aftermath. Here's the link to read more about that situation https://www.twentysomethingsxo.com/post/my-story-pt-4-sexual-assault-x-repressed-memories
February was great. I went to Jamaica for a friend’s birthday, I started seeing a black dietitian, and my favorite holiday (Valentine’s Day) was amazing thanks to him. Life was good, but for some unknown reason I went through a bad anxiety/depressive episode for almost 3 weeks in March. I spent a lot of time by myself and I binge read one of my favorite urban authors catalog. I started coming out of that funk in April, but that didn’t last long after I ended up at urgent care twice due to me having painful lumps on my breast and chest. The second visit led to me being scheduled to see a surgeon due to the size of the lumps which was scary as hell.
Over the next few weeks I had several doctor appts. and I was diagnosed with a skin condition that creates boils and abscess underneath my skin. I’m not even half way through the year yet and at this point I'm over it. This is another condition that adds on to my health issues. Not to mention how painful it is and I ran up $1,000 in medical bills, but like always I accepted things for what it and moved forward.
Now it’s Memorial Day weekend and I flew out to see out of state bae. Hands down this trip was one for the books. After being away for 6 days I came back to NC and the entire month of June I felt uneasy. I had a doctor's appointment at the end of the month and I was nervous as hell. Doctor visits triggers my anxiety for obvious reasons.
The week of June 27 started the water works and the tears haven't stopped since then. My doctor's appt involved good and bad news. The good news was after taking a hormone pill for a year and losing 20 lbs my cycle should start back naturally and losing weight without any type of pill or supplement was a major win for me. I’m not going to discuss the bad news, just know that I’m not getting my hopes up when it comes to getting married and having kids. Although my doctor assured me that I can have a kid if and when I’m ready, but for now I’m not interested in getting married or having kids (I love y'all but please stop asking about kids and my nonexistent love life).
Now it’s the middle of summer and between July and August more issues outside of my health are popping off and I’m barely hanging on by a thread. Here’s a breakdown of everything that transpired during those months.
4 trips were canceled. I was supposed to go to Mexico to see my bff and to NOLA for a bae-cation in July. Although I was mad at first, it worked out that those trips didn't happen seeing as the bad news from my doctor was delivered around the same time I was supposed to be out of town. Then I had 2 more trips planned in August with one of them being my birthday trip, and seeing how my job situation was going it turned out to be a good thing that those trips didn’t take place either.
Almost unemployed. So out of nowhere during a team meeting my team was informed that we could be laid off due to business needs and the economy. Doing an unexpected job search in the mist of buying a car & figuring out my living situation was chaotic. To make a long story short I applied for over 100 jobs in August and nobody reached out to me but my job ended up being secured for a few more months.
My lease is ending. My lease was up for renewal and the plan was to do a month to month lease until the holidays were over. However, once those rates were emailed to me I immediately knew it was time to move, but the issue was could I realistically get everything together to move out of state and avoid moving back home or temporarily staying with one of my friends.
I ordered a car. So I paid a deposit on a new car and once the car arrived the conditional agreement I had with the dealership didn’t go as planned so I didn’t get that vehicle but I did get my deposit back. I cried for 2 days, then I said fuck it I still need a new car especially if I’m going to move out of state. My previous car kept needing repairs over the last few years, and it was due for more repairs in Sept. So I went car shopping again and thankfully the other vehicle I initially wanted was available and now I have an Infiniti QX50.
During these 2 months my anxiety was really bad and even my therapist was shook by everything I had going on when I saw her in July. To be honest I felt how I did in 2017, where I was questioning what was the purpose in living anymore and August 3rd was a very scary day for me. I cried for hours then I went to another doctor's appt. which made me cry even more, and the anxiety attack I had once I got back home led to me sleeping the rest of the day and night away. I haven’t had a bad episode like that since the beginning of 2019, and a few days later I had an awful stomach flare up due to all the stress and tears. After this draining week I had enough and I decided to focus on some of the things that I could change.
Fast forward 3 weeks later, I celebrated my 27th birthday by having a tea party which was lit as fuck. I’m also done with doctor’s appts. for now and I gave my apartment complex a 60 day notice. I'm making good progress, but ugh I’m pressed for time to move and I came up with a half ass plan to leave NC which was the main focus for September & October. On Oct. 21st I moved to a new state (another blog is coming regarding where I moved.)
2 weeks later I went back to NC for a friend’s wedding and once I came back to my new city I took a much needed break from social media and people to focus on me.
To be continued...
Keep reading if you want to know how I'm currently doing...
A few years ago I mentioned how I wanted to die and whenever life gets hard those types of thoughts resurface again. I should talk about these thoughts in therapy but I know I would be evaluated for suicide and the reality is I'd never harm myself. However, anytime life becomes too much for me I just want a solution to stop the hurt and unfortunately the first thought sometimes is not existing anymore. I had an honest moment with my mom last year where I admitted that sometimes when I feel like checking out on life I think about how much she'll miss me. I even think about my god-kids and my great nephew so I've kept going just for them.
I read a quote last summer that recently resonated with me where the girl explained the "Do It For You" concept. Months later I get this concept on a deeper level. I can't be alive for the sake of my parents, friends, god-kids, etc. I have to get up everyday and do it for me. It's great that my mom believes in me and loves me, but I have to believe in me and I need to work on loving myself more and not feeling like shit every time life happens.
To conclude I hope everything I said explains why I've been MIA, and to my friends if you love or care for me in any type of way please give me space and let me be until I get myself together. All the love and calls are appreciated but I feel like people keep asking for a life update and right now I don't have anything positive to say. Life is lifing, and in the meantime pray for me and stay tuned to see if moving away was really worth it.
"Heavy on the I just want peace and money."
Positive news: Your girl got approved for an Amazon storefront thanks to TikTok. Please checkout my store and shop with me.