"Don't forget to come and pick up your, ooh, feelings" - Jazmine Sullivan
Recently, every time I think about my dating life I want to cry. Fall of 2020 I started seeing my out of state friend and every time he would leave or I came back home from a visit I would cry. At the time it felt normal because I was going through a break up while trying to move on. The desire to cry left for a long time, but these feelings resurfaced when he flew down here October 2021. Having him around was great, but once I dropped him off at the airport I wanted to cry my eyes out again. I knew something was wrong with me, so I evaluated why dealing with him is so fun yet whenever he's gone I'm on the verge of tears. Truthfully I'm lonely and dealing with him fills a void for me which is I fear dating again and deep down I question if I'll ever experience what it's like to be loved correctly. We have a mutual understanding that this situation is fun for me nothing more, nothing less which has and still is convenient for me. One night he called me and I finally had the heart to express my feelings about the reality of accepting the break up and making an effort to date again. I truly hate addressing my feelings but I know if I want to grow and be better I can't continue to conceal my emotions. He understood and like always he was there for me (one of the numerous reasons that I keep dealing with him.
Since that conversation I've cried a few times about being lonely so I thought this feeling would go away but it hasn't... It's time to dedicate some therapy sessions to talking about my dating expectations, why I don't trust men, and how I can develop a better mindset towards love and dating. I've contemplated cutting off my out of state boo, but I've experienced being totally alone for 2 years and that was hell. At the end of the day I can't continue to avoid dating if I want to love and be loved.
I'm fully aware that I can't expect a good man to come into my life if a part of me is still mentally damaged from previous relationships. I can't manifest a Russel Wilson w/ a hint of Future (a romantic reformed hood nigga ahah) if I keep saying "men are trash" or "niggas ain't shit". These statements may seem minuscule but it's unhealthy to keep having this mindset. Thanks to one of my bffs I realized it's not healthy for me to follow certain pages on IG that feeds into the men are trash narrative. I love Justinlaboy, Hoodville, & Niggasbebrokeokay but I had to unfollow those pages before the new year started. The toxic black love narrative and gender debates on social media is draining and I need to see positive black love such as Blackbride1998 or Meandsomebodyson and watch positive TV series such as Black Love on Hulu.
The social media memes were funny but I don't want to hate men anymore. Some black men have hurt me but I still crave that black love that doesn't involve struggling, enduring whatever pains comes from dealing with him, cheating, lies, having a baby on me, lack of emotional intelligence, etc. Somewhere along the way black women have been conditioned that being loved involves the very things I just mentioned. I can't be with somebody who's okay with hurting me, making excuses for it, and banking on me still loving them unconditionally. Ugh I just can't. Love isn't always going to be fairytale, but it shouldn't be ongoing bullshit either.
I've thought about joining the city girl‘s movement, but that's not me. I want to build a life with somebody who can provide the bags, trips, love, and respect that I deserve. However, I get why females take the city girl route because they've been hurt by somebody's son. They run the bag up and get whatever financial benefits thats comes along with most of these "ain't shit men."
I feel like therapy will help me tremendously, but I've decided by chapter 32 if me & somebody's son can't maintain a healthy relationship/marriage I'm going to have a baby with somebody I can co-parent with. That may seem selfish to some people, but I'm not going to miss out on motherhood because somebody's son can't love me correctly. Ideally giving my kid a two-parent home is the dream, but realistically I'm not the type that can endure suffering or struggle love "for the kids", which has sadly become the norm within the black community. If somebody's son can't love me correctly then don't love me at all. Outside of motherhood I'm going to travel, be a fabulous entrepreneur & basically live my best life without somebody's son.
To wrap it up, outside of therapy I'm going to focus on other things that brings me happiness such as re-vamping my author career and taking a bartender course, while I wait and see if love is meant for me. After all you have to be happy and whole by yourself before you can experience happiness with somebody else.
P.S: Somebody's son has tried to rekindle things again...I'm sure I'll be writing about him very soon, although I said I wasn't writing about somebody's son anymore lol
"She's still full of love bro, she just not soft no more." - Jhene Aiko
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