Disclaimer: This post was written a few weeks ago and most of my feelings still remain the same.
"Like damn, she in ha mood." - Ice Spice
I'm tired.
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm exhausted.
I'm lonely.
I'm over it.
I'm not in survival mode but I'm not where I want to be at in life.
There's nothing to worry about for now but I feel worried that there's nothing to worry about (life with anxiety).
I'm ready to date and be in love, but I feel the urge to have one more hot girl summer before I simmer down.
I want to pay off some debt but I want to travel and experience life.
I feel burnt out, but I'm so behind on my goals.
I want to cry, but I'm tired of crying about the same shit.
Ugh, some days I want to put life on pause for a few days.
But I have goals and responsibilities.
I moved to a big city by myself.
I'm a strong black woman.
I'm miss independent...right?
Deep sigh, it's very apparent that my mental and spirit is conflicted.
Not to mention I'm not on good terms with my momma again (we recently reconciled) & I haven't had a therapy session in 2 months.
Miss Independent Rant..
A contributing factor to my moodiness is I'm tired of being independent. Being independent or self-made is overrated, and granted I wore my independent crown well for so long, but I want out. I want to unsubscribe from this lifestyle expeditiously, but it's not that simple...
Anything that's done in my life is funded or requires me to do it.
Whether it's my 9-5 or bartending.
Whether it's writing a blog post or doing something for the digital shop.
Whether I'm experiencing Crohn's, PCOS, or a skin flare up and I still have other things to do such as laundry, grocery shopping, etc.
It's get lonely and sometimes depressing doing it all.
Granted I chose to move away to create a better life for myself, but despite how fun Houston may seem based off my post and other things you've seen online, it's expensive as fuck and it's a process to making certain dreams and ideas come to life.
I dream of the moment where I get to leave my independent era and embrace the soft boss babe life.
Hyper-independence + No Support
Another contributing factor is I struggle with hyper-independence and I want support, but it's not that simple. I'm stretch thin and exhausted I don't trust nobody to do anything for me. Hyper-independence can be defined as when an individual is extremely self-reliant and avoids asking for help or support. Some signs may be difficulty trusting others, burnout, anxiety, emotional detachment, secretiveness, etc.
I wasn't always like this, but this issue started when I was getting ready to go to college. My parents are older (retired now) and nobody else around me knew anything about college. I figured out everything by myself and the cycle of being self-reliant began.
Where I come from (if you know you know) most people don't do much with their life, but have kids, work at a factory or group home, and be known on Facebook for being in b.s (no shade) and I'm the polar opposite. I went to college and graduated, I'm not a baby mama, I'm not in drama, I'm not a 304, and I moved almost 22 hours away to chase my dreams. I'm one of the "small town girl, big city dreams" girlies. I'm not perfect but I'm nothing like the environment I was born and raised in. Doing something vastly different is lonely and the people I love don't understand or can't relate to the era that I'm in.
People downplay how hurtful it is to know you're doing so much to achieve a better life and instead of receiving support your meet with negative commentary. Honestly not feeling heard, understood, and supported is partially why I haven't been on good terms with my momma. Then it's annoying to get up everyday and work my ass off meanwhile people think I want to listen to the same bullshit regarding my family or mess that's happening in the 252. My phone continues to stay on DND for a reason.
I got to get this off my chest...
I love my momma and family, but insinuating I need to be doing other stuff such as having kids, getting married, or visiting the 252 more often vs. supporting what I'm interested in which is my blog, digital shop, life in Houston, etc. is annoying. What's so hard about loving me for me and letting me live my life, it's not like I'm out here doing crack. The end goal is a soft boss babe life. A six figure baddie who's a serial entrepreneur and somewhere along the way in my delulu world I'm going get married and have a babygirl. I'm moving at my own pace and doing shit on my terms which has creates unnecessary conflict and leaves me with minimal support.
I wish I could make my parents and some of the people I love understand me but I can't.
I wish wanting better for myself didn't equate to the "she think she better than me" mentality.
I'm craving and wishing for something from a group of people that just don't get it.
I pray as I continue to flourish and evolve as a woman that God and a new therapist (previous therapist pissed me TF off) can help me come to terms with me how to handle my relationship with my momma. Outside of my feelings towards my family and some other people being at odds with my favorite girl is something that's been bothering my spirit real bad.
I need to go back to my fuck those people mentality and celebrate myself.
I also feel like it's time to make an effort to build my own community in Houston. I can't make other people change, but I can engage with new people who relate to where I'm at in life and on what I'm on.
A resting season is coming...
Despite how I'm feeling I know God has a plan and purpose for my life.
I'm not where I want to be but I'm not where I use to be.
Better days are coming and everything happens for a reason.
I watched a Tiktok by Cheryl who explained that she's in her 30 and she doesn't have goals because she spent her 20's in survival mode and she's burnt out which is how I'm starting to feel. I'm very goal oriented, but at what cost and when will achieving certain goals make me happy and content.
Lowkey, my mindset towards turning 30 is slowly changing. I still want to have certain goals accomplished such as a poppin' blog and profitable digital shop, but more than anything I want to show up to 30 and be content. I want to be fully done with living in and out of survival mode. I want to be at peace with some of the irresponsible decisions I made during my 20's. I want to give myself a sabbatical whether it's 30 days, 6 weeks, or up to 3 months. I need a moment of not working nor stressing about goals or money.
Although I'm overwhelmed and exhausted the countdown to 30 is still 17 months away, and I have to give this next year and 5 months everything I got in hopes that my newfound mindset for the 30's comes to fruition. In the meantime I'm planning a staycation in April because I sense a mental breakdown is coming if I don't take 2 to 3 days to myself.
To conclude, I know the 30's aren't the end all be all, but I don't want to start a new decade of life off with the same issues that made me hate my 20's.
Thanks for listening to me pour my heart out. Talking about my life and navigating the 20's is how this platform grew into what it is today. In the words of Jasmine Camble, "I haven't even touched the surface of what I'm capable of that's such a beautiful and scary thing."
"You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down."
Toni Morrison
P.S.: If you have any encouraging words for me, please leave a comment or DM me. I need positivity and prayers.
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Positive news: Your girl got approved for an Amazon storefront and please checkout my store and shop with me. https://www.amazon.com/shop/ericanicole
More positive news & the grand announcement…. The Pink Print Shop is open and ready for business. I put a lot of time and effort into this line of business and new digital products will continue to be added over the next few weeks. I pray my digital products help you dream big and become the best version of yourself.
Thank you so much for rocking with me.
