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Santana, where’s the man: Love Life Update

Updated: Jul 24, 2023

Disclaimer: This is my platform to speak freely on my journey and stance with romantic relationships. Also in the words of Monique, “If you get mad, even if you get offended. So what you gonna do? Because I guarantee you can’t beat me up.”

"I'm getting in a vacationship this summer" - Lex P

Currently...


I saw a status on Facebook that said, “Be honest do you think your going to get married," and in that moment I realized that I believe that somebody's son will ask me to marry them again (I've already been proposed to before) but the unanswered question is do I see myself as a wife?


Earlier this year my therapist told me something that I already knew which was I like the good parts of being in a relationship, but I don't want to be vulnerable nor deal with the downside of maintaining a relationship. The reality is I only want to date for the trips, gifts, sex, & good vibes, but somebody frequently asking about my day or consuming too much of time is too much for me. However, I know that a relationship of substance requires time, energy, emotions, etc. While I'm not ready to be locked in, I also don't want to date for fun nor engage in meaningless connections which is why my out of state friend is still present.


I'm fully aware that I'm indecisive and somebody's son deserves a partner who's all the way in, not half way in and half way out.


Ugh other people's opinions...

When I went to NC in April I spent a lot of time with my great nephew and I asked my parents if they saw me having a kid one day and my dad said no with a quickness which hurt my feelings, and he later said well not right now because you’re enjoying your freedom. Then a few weeks later my momma told me that God told her that she needs to accept that I might not have kids which made me feel sad again. A part of me always felt like if my momma had hope then the wife/mom lifestyle would be meant for me, but the longer I'm by myself and thriving alone the more the rich auntie lifestyle is pulling me in.


Then there's my guy bff who recently pissed me the fuck off. Somehow him asking about my love life turned into a "who hurt me" conversation which further turned into him trying to tell me that my ideal man doesn't exist and I need to accept the realistic version of a man. In his defense he meant well, but I'm not settling and if what I want isn't an option then being the rich auntie is the next best thing. I may sound delulu, but my hood fairytale is going to happen and nobody but God can tell me anything different.


Honesty hour...


I feel like if I saw more positive marriages and had better examples of motherhood than I'd be for it. Most people I know in real life or seen on social media had kids and got married before their time. I don't want to struggle with a husband or a baby on my hip. I don't expect motherhood or marriage to be easy, but I don't anticipate the bullshit I've witnessed either. Deciding to have kids when you can't financially afford it is a problematic issue in the black community. Procreating with a partner who isn't interested in being present and active is problematic. Getting married with the notion of "I can always get a divorce" is problematic too. How do people have baby or wedding fever before they have get money, get your mental, or get your life aligned fever (no shady with it no shady with it).


Also I've listened and seen it all. From people complaining about their partner to witnessing both genders cheating relentless, to listening to mother's express their dislike for motherhood to moms going on a tangent regarding how they never have help with their kids. But somehow these same people will turn around and ask me why I haven't gotten married or had a kid yet. Do some people hear themselves? How do you complain and bitch like that, then turn around and ask a single person why they don't want to join them in misery land. In my humble opinion a lot of people who are married, have kids, or both are jealous of single people. I have my freedom and finances to do whatever I want to do and I don't answer to nobody but God. Miserable moms and miserable marriages need to leave single people alone.


"I don't have kids so I don't have to go as hard. When I feel like I do and when I don't feel like it I don't." - JT

On the bright side, me and out of state bae had a great conversation a few weeks ago and he was transparent with me. He told me that it's going to take a special man to prove himself before I feel comfortable with the thought of getting married, and I’m going to be a great mom one day if I decide to have kids, but I need a reliable support system. He also assured me that I'm going to get married one day and he supports me being me because the right man is going to come into my life and love everything about me just like he does. His words were comforting and that conversation was one of one.


I need to be almost 1000% sure that my man won't leave me after I have a baby or fail to do his part as a parent which is common when it comes to parenthood. I need a nanny/maid, a doula, etc as my support system. I need to be financially stable to where I can afford for my parents to live bi-coast for a few months after I have a baby. I can't imagine navigating motherhood without my momma being present. The biggest decision you can make is who you decide to marry and have kids with, and I'm not in a rush to make either decision.


10 reasons why I’m single by choice


  1. I'm non-complaint: I don't do what men say and I tend to challenge their viewpoint. I'm easily labeled difficult, selfish, etc. which is true to a point. Until I know 100% that what this man is saying and doing will equally benefit me as much as it's going to benefit him I'm always going to ask questions and be vocal about my opinion.

  2. I'm independent & I have trust issues: At the end of the day no matter what that man decides to do I know that I got me and my overall well-being isn't co-dependent on him. I don't trust people in general let alone somebody's son. I'm currently unpacking why I have so many trust issues.

  3. My health issues + anxiety. Everybody has baggage and my health issues is one of them. Also anxiety has impacted some of my past relationships and I understand that everybody doesn't have the capacity to stick beside me while I'm working on my mental.

  4. I don't prioritize men. My goals and dreams don't stop because of a man. If I get married I need a partner that understands that I'm a wife and mother, but I'm still Erica Nicole who's a multi-facet boss bitch.

  5. I'm quick to leave & I don't subscribe to struggle love. This part of my mentality is low key concerning because I've noticed that when I'm not happy whether it's a job, relationship, etc. I'm plotting on my exit out and some relationships only last becauses that woman stuck beside him and I don't subscribe to that mentality. There's a strict timeframe that I unknowingly give somebody's son before I'm done. Case and point, April 2020, my ex started cutting up by August 2020, I was done.

  6. I'm still figuring out what marriage and kids looks like for me. I'm not a traditional person and my partner nor marriage wouldn't be either.

  7. I'm not the most forgiving person. A lot of people say relationships require forgiveness & some of the things that people forgive is grounds for a breakup or divorce in my opinion. I need to review my non-negotiables and decide what type of offenses could be forgiven.

  8. I want a hood fairytale. The urban books have me in chokehold, from the way the hood men love and spoil their women to the powerful family dynamics. Ugh I want that, but the guy has to be reformed and making legal money, but still hood vibes nonetheless. I need to be able to confidently say "My husband will fuck you up or let me call my husband, because I know he'll handle this shit."

  9. I'm financially insecure. As much as I want a having king, I want to be a having queen which requires me to get my money up, pay off some more debt off, and be for real about certain business ideas. Financial abuse is real and finances is one of the top 3 causes of breakups and divorces. I need to do what I can to reduce the likelihood that finances at least on my end wouldn't be an issue.

  10. I'm not fully happy with myself. I pick myself apart all the time and I need to work on that as well as be more content with myself before I add somebody else to my life. You can't depend on nobody else for your own happiness. Confidence is sexy and I want to mentally be that girl and not just look like “that girl”.

Savage mode...


Respectfully this is my last attempt to address my love life in a nice way before I start getting ruthless. I've stated numerous times in real life and on this platform that I'm figuring out if love, marriage, and kids is for me and I need everybody to respect where I'm at in the process.


You can't force or guilt me into having kids.

You can't force me to get married.

You can't force me to do anything that I DON'T want to do.


People are pushing this narrative to the point that I'm uncomfortable, and I find myself getting upset and wondering why do some people keep making it seem like there's something wrong with me or my life.


Reality check: there's nothing wrong with my life. You can care or want certain things for me, but I'd advise you to talk to God or somebody else about it because I don't want to hear that shit anymore.


I also have PCOS which impacts fertility, and it's very insensitive for the people who know about this issue to keep asking me about kids. Furthermore I have other health issues that's going to play a factor in my decision to have or not to have kids.


Everything I said today was from a place of love and establishing new boundaries. I can admit that talking about dating used to be apart of my blog, but I'm implementing a new boundary after August where I'm done talking about my love life and the somebody's son series is coming to an end too. I'm also unsure of how much of my love life I'm going to share with the people offline because honestly it's the people that I love the most that's created unnecessary tension and anxiety when it comes to dating and kids.


To wrap it up I'm still in therapy and the journey to figuring out if love, marriage, and kids are for me is to be continued.


"If y'all see me in love just know that mf applied pressure and mind yo business."


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